Being Kinky with Vanilla Partners

Being in a vanilla relationship when you’re kinky isn’t always easy.

Whether you're only just discovering your kinky side, or you've had one for a while but never explored it, being a kinkster in a relationship with a vanilla partner can sometimes be difficult. 

I’m kinky, but my partner isn’t. What can I do?

Partners that are newer to kink than you, or those who might never have broached kink at all may not always understand that you perhaps feel a part of you is missing. 

Here are a few suggestions on how to talk with your partner about what your kinks.

Try to understand your partner’s perspective on kink and BDSM

Ask yourself the kinds of questions your partner might ask you: 

• Am I not enough for you?

• Is there someone else?

• Am I boring?

• What do you like?

• Why do you like it?

• What if I can't accept your kinks? 

• What if I can’t do the things you like?

Even if you think questions about not being good enough or being boring are crazy, or that your partner knows too-well how much they mean to you, introducing them to your kinky side can still be a shock to their system. 

Don’t try to make kink less kinky when you talk about it

Don’t try to soften the blow. If you have a strong fetish for something, don’t downplay it as a way to make your partner amenable - they deserve honesty. Sharing educational resources such as this website with your partner may also help.

Trust is everything. What takes a lifetime to build takes seconds to destroy.

You owe it to your partner (and to yourself) to talk to them about how you're evolving. There's something to be said in reaching the point in a relationship when partners have to make difficult decisions about their happiness and future. Who knows? They might be happy to explore with you! Remember that you can have fun feeding your kinks even if they don’t share the same love for them as you do.

What if my partner really isn't into kink? 

Well, that still doesn't give you a free license to break their trust, so the first step is to communicate. 

It's not an easy conversation to have. We're not going to sugar coat it and pretend that it's as easy as asking what they want for dinner, but what we can tell you from years of combined experience, is that it's infinitely easier to have this conversation before you explore than after.

An unfortunate aspect of kink communities, especially online ones, is that from time to time you might encounter people seeking kinky fun outside of their marriage or relationship, unbeknownst to their partner. 

Is cheating a kink?

While many have the full blessing of their significant other, that’s not always the case. Be mindful that not everybody has good, honest intentions, and there are cheaters in kink, just as in vanilla relationships. 

Unfortunately, the term ‘vanilla’ is wrongly assumed to be synonymous with celibacy or asexuality. 

Commonly, the explanation for these nefarious exchanges is that the partner is 'vanilla’ and therefore not interested. 

If you find that you really must explore a secret life of kink outside your relationship, at the very least be honest with those you involve, and be aware of the potential harm you might cause to your loved ones if you break their trust.

Ultimately, our advice when it comes to these types of situations is to always be honest, both with those you love, and with yourself.