Aftercare: From the Left Side of the Slash
My ex had a bad experience when she was in her teens. She was attacked and came close to being gang-raped. If not for a stroke of luck and a passing stranger, that terrible event may have run its full course.
It was something we had discussed early on in our relationship, and I’d always been cautious around what I thought could be potential triggers, like scenes from movies or the news.
So it surprised the ever-living hell out of me when years later in the throes of passion she said,
‘hold me down, rape me’.
At the time I had no experience with being a Dom, no online resources or kinky friends to talk to. I didn’t even know what a Dom was, let alone how to be one! I was young and headstrong, and my partner was one hell of a strong woman in her day to day life. I simply didn’t really know how to handle my own feelings and neither of us were good at communicating our sexual needs.
Having a healthy respect for women and then raping the one you love until she cries and sobs is not an easy thing to do, even if you know it’s what she not only enjoys, but also needs. I know now that digging up the emotions needed to get in the right headspace for a scene can leave you emotionally and mentally drained. When you add past traumas into the mix, especially if they’re reflected in the scene you are having, then it can be a psychological minefield.
The next day, I felt like shit. Massive pangs of guilt and a general feeling of depression with a stinking headache. As we began to dive deeper into this type of play, my symptoms got worse, but I still wasn’t able to put two and two together. It would be decades before I knew what that was or how to deal with it: I was getting Dom drop.
Aftercare is much talked about, but often from a submissive perspective. We hear lots about Doms getting the sugary (and fruity) treats out for their submissives and giving loads of cuddles and the like. As a Dom, I now know that I need aftercare. I need the feedback especially, as that’s what settles my guilt pangs, which could otherwise be crippling. Communication, both before and after a scene, also helps considerably.
In one case, I played with a partner who suffered terrible physical abuse at the hands of her ex-husband. For me to then inflict pain on her in a very primal way required a lot of communication both before and after, so that I’d be able to process it emotionally. I also found a pleasant surprise in receiving a simple ‘thank you’.
I didn’t really start to voice my needs until leaving my long term relationship. It took two years of reflection and introspection before I started dating again, which was when I put emotional needs on the table to be considered. This became so much easier when I started D/s relationships as there is so much communication before you even meet, so it’s much easier to say what it is you need. Plus, there is less stigma around a man’s emotional needs in the D/s world.
I’m now in a total power exchange relationship and we were heavy on communication before we began our relationship. I can’t tell you how much that has helped me. It’s set the foundations up so that we know what we both need from aftercare, which is a vital part of our wonderful dynamic.
After, and often during a scene, my partner thanks me. It was not planned the first time she did it; it just felt right for her. We discovered when talking afterward that a simple ‘thank you’ worked really well as a way of relieving my guilt. Something so simple as that, along with a cuddle and a chat, could have saved me from a lot of pain and angst while I was blundering about finding out who and what I was in my younger years. Now, in providing aftercare for my submissive I realize I can also provide aftercare for myself. ‘Communication is key’ is a cliché for a reason, but it’s so very true.
About the author: Dansak is a bearded, tattooed guy who identifies as a Dom, Sadist, Daddy and ray of sunshine. Not necessarily in that order!
