I Don’t Feel Loved, Unless I’m Being Punished
Wow, the things a therapist would probably diagnose me with if I uttered that sentence.
I’m not talking about non-consensual and toxic relationships here, though. I’m talking about a consensual power-exchange dynamic, where I’ve chosen to be “all-in”.
In my case, this means he has full autonomy over me – I am whatever he wants me to be. There is no transactional only-color-between-the-lines exchange. He sets the lines, not me. I’m his toy, his set of holes, his piss whore, his slut, his slave. Whatever he has a whim for, I’m there for it.
To get to that level has taken an incredible amount of vulnerability on my part. Vulnerability and surrender don’t come easily to me, and are a stark contrast to my regular life where I’m a tough, take-charge, get-shit-done, rely-on-no-one type of person.
My Sadist once told me I’m incredibly high maintenance, yet my husband says I am the most low-maintenance person he’s ever met. That’s the difference in the dynamic and the mindset.
As a submissive, I am high maintenance. I can be insecure. I can be needy. I require a ton of attention. I have an insatiable thirst and a never-ending desire to serve and to be used. My Sadist has broken down all of the barriers and shackles of society, and in doing so has been left with my unpolished, unbridled display of desire, affection and primal need.
That, and my raw, bleeding, insecurities.
I don’t know how to be 100% vulnerable and obedient, open and willing for even the most depraved ideas, and yet remain steadfast, emotionally-unburdened through the hard times when he’s unable to give me the attention and structure I desire. I dislike this side of myself, but I can’t seem to harness it and allow for a happy-medium. If I shut off one part, the other shuts off, too. If I stop wanting his attention, I stop wanting to be obedient and comply with his orders when they come. If I stop worrying about our playtime, I stop caring about orgasms, and I struggle to even get wet when he is on. Being long distance means he has no outlet, and neither do I - so he seems to just suffer alongside me and take it.
Does it ever balance out? Will I ever be able to learn how to fight the insecurity and constant swirling thoughts? Is it possible to seamlessly switch from the thoughtless sex slave fuckmeat that’s just an obscure set of holes, to become the independent and capable woman of everyday life? Can I be both his fuckmeat, and his Pegasus? I’m struggling to believe so, but I’m so very thankful for our dynamic, and that he still loves me, both when I make things difficult, and when I make them good. I must be doing something right more often than not.
So, back to the beginning. I don’t feel loved, unless I’m punished.
This isn’t exactly accurate; it’s more “I don’t feel loved, unless I’m being held accountable”. I don’t need the punishment, but I do need the accountability. I need to know that if I don’t follow through, he will notice and enact some discipline. I need to know that if I step out of line, regardless of circumstances, he will pull on that leash and put me back in line.
I don’t want to be punished. When things are good, I’m a brat, and he loves it. I brat, he spanks, we’re both happy. It’s not a real punishment, and I don’t do it disrespectfully. It’s truly fun and gives him an excuse to be a sadist and feeds my inner smart-ass masochist. But true punishment? Where I’ve disappointed him, or deliberately disobeyed him? No. Never an intent… not ever.
This is where it gets confusing for me, because I must know that that’s a possibility. I must know that if I do step out of line, there will be consequences. If there are no boundaries, I stop believing that I’m important. I stop believing that I’m loved. I stop believing that the dynamic is strong. I stop feeling secure. The little brain weasels start spinning their wheels telling me that if he doesn’t make me toe the line, then he doesn’t care.
But I know - I fucking know - that isn’t true, and it’s so incredibly unfair of me to put that kind of burden on another person. I am responsible for my own feelings. I am responsible for myself and my actions.
I know what I need to work on, I’m just not quite sure how. Beating myself up for it does nothing, I know this. But I am frustrated and struggling to actually do something about it. I guess by acknowledging it, I can keep working towards a way through. There’s one thing for sure: I will never stop trying to be a better person, and be a better partner.
Being an alpha, corporate professional and horse-wrangling female in my real life, yet an absolute bottom-of-the-barrel urinal whore of a submissive is a mindfuck all of its own.
I don’t care what anyone says… being a submissive sucks balls, sometimes.
Other times, it’s fucking euphoric.
About the Author: PrincessFuckToy (or PFT) is an ethically non-monogamous kinky toy maker and "Masochistic-Bratty-Sub-Like-Thing," serving a long-distance Sadist with sass and sarcasm.
