The Observer
A few years ago, I had a new experience. It was everything I try to find in kink experiences; emotive, evocative, humbling, unnerving, and enlightening. But this wasn't sexy or wild or sensual. This was me at my most mundane.
I visited an observatory in Northumbria, one with giant telescopes, and clever scientists, and nothing for miles around. I learned about our place in the universe, but mostly, I learned about my own.
As I returned from gazing out at the stars and absorbing as much new knowledge as I could (because, let’s be honest, the last time I really learned about space, Pluto was still a planet), it struck me just how small and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, and how trivial so much seems in all that we do.
Wars and conflict have raged through humanity’s time on this planet, and bickerings continue in a small area; an immeasurably small point in the universe. Why? What mark can someone possibly hope to leave in a stretch of time and space so vast that we can’t really begin to comprehend it?
Which made me wonder:
How could I ever leave a mark on someone's life against a backdrop so huge?
The sun is an “average star”, yet our world revolves around it as if it’s the centre of our universe. How can anyone be so arrogant as to believe that they are the centre of anyone else’s universe?
It's been true of so many of my relationships; either I want to be the centre of their universe, or they expect to be the centre of mine.
But if we all revolve around one thing, why are we drawn in different directions within our lives? The only answer I could come up with for that was that we each have our own universe with no fixed centre; we’re just constantly trying to find it.
“The amazing thing is that every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand[…] You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements[…] weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars[...] The stars died so that you could be here today.”
What a powerful thought that is.
I understand the groundings of faith and religion, and why they mean so much to people, but there’s no more depth to what one person feels than another, and there shouldn’t be as much hatred and prejudice and misunderstanding as there is today in an evolved world. It's simply a different orbital path we're on within one big one. Kink is no different to that, and D/s is that orbit - you centre yourself in it.
Whatever you believe created life, something had to happen to make us all share this tiny little pinprick of time and space together, and that should be worth celebrating. If you weren't here in this moment of insignificance, you wouldn't be sharing your universe with some of the most wonderful beings you could wish to know.
I was filled with so much emotion beneath that darkest of skies, that I couldn’t help but focus on one single thought:
Our insignificance is all that we have.
It's taken me years to be willing to put some words to what I felt that night. I felt free and chained all at once. I felt helpless yet hopeful. I want to remember that feeling of staring up at the stars, because it was the closest to understanding myself I've ever come. I was the observer, seeing things play out I could never be part of, but blessed to behold if I knew where to look. Life went on without me, but I felt time stood still as I looked at something so out of reach. But, as much as I was the observer, I couldn't help but feel as if I were under just as much scrutiny.
After all, the stars died for me, and what am I doing with that? I felt accountable, yet inconsequential. I felt honoured, yet judged. I felt free, yet completely chained. It felt as close to what I look for in a person as can be.
No matter how old we may feel sometimes, no matter how small an impact we may have made in our lifetime, no matter how weary we are, we were gifted with a moment in time, and that moment is just that. Infinitesimal, insignificant, and the only thing truly ours in the universe.
Just like kink.
About the Author: DiavalDiablo is a mental auralist with a love of sharp things, including wit, and is considered an "antisocial butterfly".
