The Top and Bottom Of It
My kink identity is incredibly important to me. Whether that's how I am now, how I used to be, or how I want to be. I try to take ownership of the twists and turns that led me here.
But sometimes, I still fight against myself when I feel a new evolution coming.
Some might say that I lack something, and perhaps that's true. There is a void, but that void isn't how I often paint it. Everyone has a dark hole inside them. How deep one dares venture into it is what matters.
I've thought a lot about transitioning into Topping and sadism and such of late. It's something I hadn't really considered exploring before, for reasons soon to be outlined, but I enjoy inflicting unbearable pain, and I enjoy the disconnect at the end of a shared moment. I don't often want to move beyond that point in time with someone, but the worry of feelings and intimacy have always caught in my throat.
There was always that danger, though, if I risked interaction. As much as I shied away from closeness, I craved that bond.
Perhaps that's where I can learn to make the distinction - I can fulfill a role; I need not embody another. A Top or a sadist needn't mean anything more than a moment.
But I will never be safe.
I try to do the right thing day to day. I still make poor choices and leave the expectations of others unfulfilled. I try my best to be what I can, where I can when I can, but I fuck up and say things that hurt, and, for whatever reason, I enjoy the pain that radiates. Misery loves company, after all. But I am not miserable, not at my core. I'm happy, and silly, and free - I am just too guarded to let anyone see that.
Moments of warmth and happiness affect me deeply. I try so hard to assure myself something was the right choice before hindsight sets in. Maybe it wasn't, maybe it was, but I make that break to see if it was right far more often than I let myself stagnate in fear of making the wrong choice.
It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.
That said, I need to know myself before I can give anything to somebody else. People evolve and grow and learn about themselves, and they don't always fit where they once did. I've often been told that I'm not the same girl - and it's always said as if the previous incarnation was better, even when I'm more myself than I was.
So I learn to accept and embrace myself once again, because even though someone might have accepted me once, it doesn't mean that I ever did.
I've been struggling for a long time, and I'm still trying to get better. I find rocks to cling to, yes; in people and faces that hold familiarity and safety, but I still need to try and swim to shore, because it’s the swim that holds the lesson, and it’s the shore that’s the goal.
Perhaps I feel I'm getting closer these days.
The idea of Topping or testing out my sadism is a good example of why I shy away from becoming a figure of reality in someone's life. My reluctance stems from the fucked up way I dealt with my explorative nature of kink the first time I was in a relationship.
My partner and I never argued until I started getting into kink, and then it went monumentally downhill. I broke her heart into a thousand pieces. I destroyed her openness to reconcile because I could see the pain, distrust and poison. "Falling for someone" will always be a risk in life - and my anxiety surrounding that possibility of more, of feeling, is just another thing keeping me teetering on a precarious edge of sanity.
Because I am a poison.
I've done it before, and to live in fear of doing it again is too much stress to keep myself under.
Therefore, I no longer tempt fate.
If you've never hurt someone that way, let me tell you that it wounds your soul to know your own capacity for destruction. It's like watching a bomb and waiting for the time to run out, and that's what all my writings warn of. My own voice is louder than anyone else's, and for the longest time, that inner voice was winning.
I’m not infallible, though. Similar decisions to willfully inflict pain on someone emotionally have felt right at the time. Moments where I’ve felt the need to separate myself from anything pure so that I couldn’t destroy it, but then destroying it anyway.
And so, I flee. Liberating myself of the potential to cause pain, yet inflicting hurt even harder by breaking another heart.
So perhaps it's time to apply that capacity to hurt more pointedly.
But I pity the first fool to step into the arena with me.
I've never doubted my abilities before; I know how to rise to a challenge.
What I doubt is myself.
I am not safe.
But perhaps I can learn.
About the Author: DiavalDiablo is a mental auralist with a love of sharp things, including wit, and is considered an "antisocial butterfly".
