BDSM Isn’t Always About Sex
A few weeks ago, my dear friend and comet came to visit. For those who don't know, a "comet" in poly terms is a person who passes through one's life repeatedly for short periods of deep and intense connection, followed by longer periods of a distanced close friendship.
When we are together in play, my comet becomes a Daddy (if he's feeling that role) or a Sir (when his Sadist wants to play). Both are unique and special roles that compliment my submissive, brat, and sadomasochistic sides. We had many wonderful scenes; I experienced bottoming for knife play for the first time (and absolutely loved it), we had impact and sensuality, sadism and masochism, and all the fun stuff in between. Did we have “kinky” sex? Yes. And it was wonderful. But BDSM isn't really always about that.
What I took away as my most treasured memory wasn’t any of that. Rather, it was a moment that I've seen written about here so many times and had yet to fully grasp.
A while back, I decided to collar myself. That’s a story in and of itself, but the long and short of it is, I want to own my whole self because I have worked so hard to become who I am today. My collar is a symbol of the trust I put in my partners, and when the time is right, I want to kneel before my Dominant and offer the collar for the duration of our play together. Much like one Dom might allow another to "borrow" their submissive, I am granting my current (and future) Dominant partners access to my vulnerability, to my submissiveness, through this simple act.
So when I allowed my comet to collar me, I knelt before him and offered up this symbol of trust. After he put it on me, I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of my own submission. In my head I was thinking,
Oh my god! This is what all those romanticized stories of BDSM were talking about!
Before we did anything else, I suddenly found myself wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing my cheek to his stomach. I was in silk lingerie and he was in his jeans, boots, and a button up shirt. For me, it was so perfectly quintessentially D/s.
Still kneeling, I felt him bend down to put a hand tenderly on my head and shoulder. His presence above, and mine below felt magical. I had never felt so...indescribably present. I was where I wanted to be and there was nowhere else that I would have desired in that moment than to be at his feet. We stayed like that for a few moments before moving on to other things, but that moment...priceless.
Such a tender moment is treasured by me because of the time it took to get there. Most stories you’ll see on sites like FetLife or Literotica seem to gloss over the endless conversations and negotiations, the building of a friendship, the initial play and exploration of each other, the time it takes to trust. So. Much. Time.
Almost two years in fact. It's crazy to think of that now. But it took two years for me to kneel with my whole heart, to feel nothing but total and complete submission to a man who had earned my trust and my complete respect. He sees my worth and I am so very lucky to have found someone who has such a kind and wonderful heart and soul.
So yes. BDSM is about more than sex. It's about learning to be vulnerable, building those relationships, and treasuring the precious moments when everything falls perfectly into place.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a heteroflexible, poly, sadomasochist and playful kinkster with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
