Kinky Play and Living with PTSD
I have complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). You may be familiar with the term PTSD; the complex form basically means repeated trauma, often beginning in childhood causing post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s complex because it’s multi-layered and not from one type of trauma or a singular event.
Trauma is trauma, though, and it’s never a competition- whatever you have been through, endured, and survived- there can be a long road to recovery, healing, and finding safety in the world again.
What does PTSD look like for me? How does it manifest?
I have triggers that cause anxiety attacks and intense fear. I experience flashbacks where it feels like I’m right back to where and when the trauma occurred. I have social anxiety, I dissociate, and I deal with suicidal ideation. In the past, I used self-harm as a means of coping. PTSD can be absolutely debilitating.
I believed for a long time that I would never be able to live out my kinky dreams. That a lot of it would be too upsetting for me, too triggering. I told myself it would be irresponsible of me to even attempt to participate, to put myself in a position where some of my lived trauma experience would in many ways be played out. I felt a lot of shame for even considering it.
So the question to answer is: Can you experience kink if you have a history of trauma or mental health issues?
The answer for me is YES.
But this is something each person has to answer for themselves. Only you know your entire history. Only you know what you can manage both emotionally and physically. I will say it’s so important to know your limitations as much as possible. Do you know what grounds you and brings you back to the now? It’s essential to have a good understanding of what might trigger you and what soothes you.
It is also essential to have these conversations with any potential partner- whether you are a Top or bottom, Dominant, submissive, etc. If you don’t discuss these things, you not only put yourself at risk but your partner(s), as well. There might be partners who decide not to play with you as a result, but that’s okay. Informed consent matters, and if they aren’t equipped, I would rather know ahead of time than mid-scene.
BDSM has helped me become a better communicator. It’s allowed me to practice using my voice, setting limits, and not compromising them. It has helped me build skills in saying no (calling yellow, red in scene). It’s helped me learn how to listen to my gut and intuition - though there was a steep learning curve, and it has been bumpy and challenging in its own way. With a trusted partner, I was able to experience a few scenes that, though challenging and complex, made me feel empowered and strong.
BDSM and kink have helped my healing process, but they aren’t a substitute for therapy. I’ve had a ton of therapy. I’ve been fortunate to have access, and that’s not the case for everyone. If you have a history of trauma or mental health issues, I wanted to share some things that have made a difference on my kink journey.
A trauma-informed kink positive therapist helps me process my experiences
A circle of trusted friends in the community
A strong understanding of my history, triggers, dissociation
Partners that are well informed of my history, triggers, dissociation, and what it looks like.
Skills and tools for self-soothing and grounding that I can bring with me and have access to during play/scene. A few of those tools are ice packs, a blanket/stuffie, and a list of questions to ask me, like what’s the date and where are we.
A list of those skills, tools, and prompts, plus emergency contact information for my partner or friend to reference.
Patience and the ability to take things as slowly as I need to.
An understanding that I very well may get triggered. I can do everything right, and so can my partner, but off days happen, and so does the unexpected.
Above all? Compassion for myself and this journey. It’s not easy. It’s not fair that these are things I need to think about. What happened to me was not my choice or my fault. But the aftermath of it is a reality that I have to live with. So I want to do that in the best way I can while also experiencing what life offers.
About the Author: GlassGirl is a Queer Bi kinky submissive who writes articles, poetry, and erotica, focusing on her personal experiences with BDSM. You can find more of her writing on her website, www.glassgirl.co
