A Dynamic Marriage
D/s is a classic case study of balance versus opposition. Apparently, you have to work at a D/s dynamic, much like you do in a marriage.
I’ve never been able to understand why so many stay in loveless or incompatible marriages. Why do people not seek to bridge the gap with their spouse, or set both free to find that bridge? If you're two of the same pole on a magnet, bound in the middle, but repelled in the end, why endure that? Why settle for that inevitability?
It comes down to the definition of love you're chasing.
If I married for "love", would that be romance? Passion? Intimacy? My love language suggests it’s quality time and touch, but is that how I feel loved, or how I give love? What if "quality time" to my partner meant an extravagant dungeon scene, and to me it meant holding hands in the park? We'd be giving and getting exactly what a piece of paper stated, but not what we need.
That's what marriage is: A binding piece of paper; like worthless notes on a dictatorship.
Marriage should be a union, but it’s often no more than a business deal.
People will say a relationship can be dynamic, full of love, and exciting. That may be true for the lucky few, but more often than not it just seems to be a commitment of "I'll do this and you do that, but let’s never change what we are now". Relationships should be fun and exciting, full of appreciation and compassion, hope and magic, but so many people let it change and become complacent... Why bother?
I understand that complacency sneaks up. I understand that people evolve - but can you handle the evolution of your spouse when it wasn't what you signed up for? You committed to a moment in time; did you commit to what they might become? You signed up for them as they were, not who they might someday be. I’m not the girl I was five years ago, and my relationships couldn’t grow with me, because most relationships aren’t written to evolve. Kink dynamics are no different - they’re a transaction, a bargain you strike, but at least they allow for ongoing negotiation.
I see dynamics like handfasting. Imagine a twelve month commitment to each other. At the end of the twelve months, you do it again or you can walk away. Maybe it's not as romantic, but it's practical. "I want to commit to you entirely for this period of time, but we have the option at the end of this time to walk away." It's no longer joint bank accounts or mortgages or child support forcing you to stay. There’s no duty or promise. It alleviates the stressful aspects that force people to stay together forever, and instead becomes an "I'm with you because I want to be with you, I don't have to be with you. I choose to be."
If there’s one thing the vanilla world could learn from D/s, it’s balance.
Being a switch is a balance, because one can't really be a Dom exclusively with a Dom, nor can a submissive really submit exclusively to another submissive without dominance somewhere, even from a third party. A Dom is nothing without some kind of power exchange. A sub is nothing without authority, guidance, control. But they're not opposites.
It’s often said that opposites attract. But do they? I'm drawn to what's missing, not what’s my opposite. I'm not at all attracted to the opposite of me, because I can’t learn from that - it’s not something I can aspire to or something I can be better at - but I am hugely attracted to someone possessing qualities I lack. I want to look up to someone who’s able to teach me, and the fulfillment that comes with long-term D/s. Yes, looking ahead is scary, but who said it had to be ten years ahead? What about in ten days? A lot can change in ten days - and you're committing to enduring that ten days together, and when you've done it, you've done it together. On to the next.
That’s what gives D/s a different kind of chemistry. Trying to absorb what they have that I lack, and giving what I can offer that they don't already have is not a case of opposites; it's finding missing pieces in previously unexplored places and combining to create a unique balance.
It’s everything we’re not, everything we are, and everything we might become.
"I will love you forever in some way, and I promise to do whatever I can to make you happy. I will give the earth to ensure that I'm compassionate, caring, honest, loyal, and everything you need me to be for as long as I'm capable."
About the Author: DiavalDiablo is a mental auralist with a love of sharp things, including wit, and is considered an "antisocial butterfly".
