Unconscious Bias in Kink
I’m lucky enough to be an open kinkster.
Long before I added kink projects to my professional resume, I realised that being open and honest about who I am meant being open and honest about my kink identity, too. If an employer didn’t accept my kink identity, they weren’t the right cultural fit for me.
When I first entered the scene in 2015, I considered myself open-minded enough not to judge people if they didn't judge me.
I was wrong.
I'd already judged people, you see. My bias against self-proclaimed "alpha" types was fully intact, my bias against foot fetishists, sluts, and sissification was prevalent, and it took a lot of self-awareness to learn how to let people be people without being a judgemental bitch.
I’m still not perfect.
We’re kinksters, and kinksters are already outsiders - surely that means we're an unspoken alliance, right?
Kinksters will talk a lot about "the community", and in some cities and towns around the world, there is a luxury of being able to come together with other like-minded people to enjoy a munch or a play party. But being part of a social circle with shared interests and being a community are very different things.
Etymologically speaking, 'community' suggests a sense of unity. One expects social interaction and camaraderie, and solidarity against a common adversary like prejudice or shaming.
Yet, as an observer of several kink scenes, I can honestly say that some kinksters are the most judgemental people I've ever met.
My pride in my needle play and other activities means I don't hide who I am. I share images and information with friends and colleagues who ask, and I’m vocal with potential partners so they know just what they might be getting into.
Now, needle play isn't for everyone. I know that. There was a time it wasn't for me, too. Many people are phobic, some consider it self-harm, and others are as freaked out as they are fascinated.
Never has a vanilla acquaintance shunned me.
But kinksters have. Willfully, I might add. Just like I used to shun the sluts and the foot-lovers.
I like to think I had the good sense to try to reeducate myself, but of course, willful ignorance is very different from unconscious bias. Sadly, kink isn't impervious to that demon, either.
It's an unfortunate fact that a portion of kinksters will only be accepting of other kinsksters that meet their exacting standards. It’s unrealistic to expect cliques not to form in friendship groups, but kindness and tolerance shouldn't be surprising when we're all considered to be on the wrong side of 'normal'.
I decided to treat my kink network in the same way I do my professional network. There are so many talks and courses about unconscious bias in the workplace that it was easy to revise a list of recognised biases and compare them to how that bias might have crept into my kink identity.
Affinity Bias Connecting with people with similar experiences & backgrounds
Preferring to spend time in the company of sadists and Tops (outside of play) because it feels familiar
Ageism Negative feelings attributed to a particular age range
Instantly discounting someone for being “too young” to know much about kink and BDSM as a lifestyle
Anchor Bias Using an initial singular piece of information to make decisions
Allowing a story I read or a whisper I heard to influence my opinion of how trustworthy someone might be
Attribution Bias Judging someone's behaviour based only on your observations and perception of them
Watching how kinksters interact with each other and believing it to be the only representation of who they are
Authority Bias Considering ideas and opinions to have more merit because they're given by an authority figure
Believing a self-appointed Dom or Master or “lifelong” submissive has any better an idea of a concept than anyone else
Gender Bias Preferring one gender over another
Struggling to engage in BDSM with female partners
Halo Effect Learning something impressive about someone and putting them on a pedestal
Using someone’s particular kink image or experience as a pinnacle of how I aspire to be
Name Bias Judging people based on their names
FetLife usernames can instantly turn me off and I’m likely to ignore their requests or interactions because of the impression their handle gives me
This is a short list of the biases I can acknowledge easily that I‘m still affected by, but the list of possible biases goes on:
Confirmation Bias Drawing conclusions based on personal desires/beliefs, rather than merit
Conformity Bias Acting similar to those around you rather than like yourself
Horns Effect Learning something unpleasant about someone and treating them negatively
Contrast Effect Comparing simultaneous or concurrent thing, that makes you exaggerate one in contrast to the other
Beauty Bias Believing attractive people are more successful or competent
Height Bias Judging someone taller or shorter than the socially accepted norm
Nonverbal Bias Allowing body language to influence your opinion
Overconfidence Bias A tendency to be more confident in one's abilities than is warranted
So I ask you, are you guilty of unconscious bias in kink?
After all, the first step to fixing a problem is recognising it.
About the Author: DiavalDiablo is a mental auralist with a love of sharp things, including wit, and is considered an "antisocial butterfly".
