There’s an App for That
A Female Sub’s Tips for Male Doms
I am addicted to window shopping for humans.
It’s essentially what I’m doing, right? Only the ‘window’ in this case is the screen on my phone, ‘shopping’ is equivalent to ‘matching’, and ‘humans’ are apparently what I’m looking at when I come across profiles with photos of what appears to be a closeup of chest hair or of an armpit, and a profile descriptor like, “If you don’t look like your pictures, we’re drinking until you do.”
I’ve been on every app and dating service from Tinder to Alt and I still find myself only able to hang on for a few months. For those who appreciate additional context, I’m a heteroflexible, poly, white female. At some point in my exploration, I began to take screenshots of profiles and conversations that I found either hilarious or infuriating. I find sanity in doing so, though often I have simply deleted the apps in frustration and contemplated disappearing into the wilderness to live happily ever after with a large collection of dildos.
After about a year of exploring the dating app realm I’ve decided to share some advice -- who am I kidding? -- some pleas to the male D-types of the dating realm.
Tip 1: Don’t be crude. I love dirty, filthy talk as much as the next person. I truly do. Words are a fetish and there’s nothing like being fucked by a Dom who whispers them into my ear. But what makes those types of exchanges powerful is that they require a baseline of trust. And trust doesn’t happen in the first five minutes of meeting somebody. Hell, it may not happen at all. You need to be ready and okay with that.
Telling me what women want, or what submissives want, is an immediate red flag. It’s incredibly important to me that a profile avoids placing personal fantasies onto the reader. In the case above, if you’re going to take the route of voicing your fantasies and presuming that I will participate in them, at least have an understanding of how children are made (hint - it takes more than those little wriggly dudes).
Tip 2: Learn to toe the line between being flirtatious and being a creep. I have grown tired of waiting for men to send the first message, and I think most men are unlikely to send one. I don’t really have time in my life for the “match and never talk” folks, so I prefer to get things going in either direction. Let’s assume that you’ve made it past the initial threshold - we both swiped right and matched. I cannot overemphasize the importance of your opening statement.
The exchange above is a great example of what not to do. Don’t use a pet name in your initial greeting. I’m not your kitten, your submissive, your sweetheart, your baby, or anything else. Likewise, ask permission to call me something before you do. That being said, flirtation is fun and that’s where the challenge lies. Use of more suggestive language (even crude language) is acceptable, but it takes time.
I included the message below, because it sits just to the side of “not okay” that points to the nuance of this flirtation thing. Personal boundaries are different, and my hunch is that some subs and Doms will look at this exchange and not see it as that big of a deal, perhaps even finding it humorous.
I know I have “great tits”, my friend. There’s no need to state this, especially if my “great tits” were not displayed in my profile, my “great tits” were not sent to you in a photo, nor were my “great tits” part of the conversation to begin with.
The reason I unmatched in this case was because this happened within 4-5 exchanges with this individual. That’s not enough time to compliment me on my “tits”. A better response would have been, “Boo indeed. You seem cool.”
Tip 3: Understand that there are different approaches to D/s. The type of individual below is a fantastic example of the Dominant that I worry most about. What I mean is, the ease by which he commodifies D/s and demands submission is a real danger to new kinksters. These types are highly likely to snag a beginner. (Side note: my "I don't blame you" was in reference to an earlier statement and not to this person finding a new submissive. Perhaps that's where the communication breakdown occurred…)
A few things:
This person makes it clear that he is not looking for a relationship; he is looking for a kink dispenser. I know this because of what he does not say: “I am hoping to find someone who is into submission” or even “I am looking for a new play partner”.
This person does not value a deeper connection in D/s exchanges. If he did, he would not have been so eager to open the conversation in such a way. As I state in the exchange, how can I know if I’d be interested in being a submissive partner to someone I just met?
This person will take advantage of a newcomer to kink who has not been fully informed on things such as consent, negotiations, and limits. For D-types (and s-types) reading this: D/s does not require impact play or any form of sadism & masochism. It does not require you to “surrender” more than you want to. It does not require a “training period” unless you and your partner want to explore it. You do not have to “take a lot of pain” to be a submissive. In fact, you don’t have to take any pain at all! Never let someone else dictate how your submission is expressed.
Ultimately, all I can advise D-types to do is to be honest and respectful of the person on the other side of that match. Remember that everyone tends to approach D/s in a different way, and if you’re simply wanting to have some freaky sex, there are ways to get to that point without being an asshole.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a queer, poly, sadomasochist and playful submissive with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
