In Defense of Findom
The last time I told someone I was enjoying findom with a partner, he responded, "Hmmm I'm not into that at all, I could never be with someone who wanted me just for my money."
This was someone I'd talked to for weeks about my current relationship, he knew my partner meant so much more to me than that, unless he thought I was a liar or a fool.
As I questioned him, he responded with, "Society already has too much classism based on economic earning...especially for men."
Okay then, but why does that mean I don't care about my partner?
It reminded me of the time I'd told someone I had two boyfriends. It was a coworker, but I thought he'd find it helpful since he was talking about an open relationship he had with his (temporarily) long-distance fiancé. But instead of seeing how I was agreeing that being in an open relationship can still be a very loving experience, the coworker responded by demeaning my relationship. He said, "Oh but if you're not monogamous you know those guys are only with you for one reason." (Implying sex.)
These little jabs stick with you over time.
What I don't understand is when we are okay with hitting people until they bruise, literally bleeding people, peeing on people, saying degrading things to people, and so much more, Why do we have no tolerance for exchanging money as part of play?
I know there are those loud and obnoxious findoms out there, the ones who make their entire existence about findom. They do seem like they're in it for the money. They do seem like that's their main fetish, and they might not even be kinky at all, just in it for the money.
But what about the many loud and obnoxious guys, the ones who make their entire existence about getting laid? They seem like they're in it for the sex. They seem like that's all they want, and they're probably not even kinky, they just think it's easier to get sex here.
Isn't it possible that there are other people who practice findom, within a long-term, caring relationship?
I know it is. But when the first reaction to mentioning it is, "Oh gross, that's so exploitative," we don't really bring it up much.
When you hate on it, you force us underground and it looks even less common than it is, increasing the stigma. Then, the only ones you see are the loud for-profit findoms online.
But they aren’t the best representation of findom. Using them to represent the fetish is like using the lonely men who spam everyone as representative of all men wanting kink. Just because some people are willing to do their fetish with anyone who will have them, doesn’t mean that’s how it is for everyone.
I know multiple women who practice findom with people they have long-term relationships with. They aren’t “out for the money.” There’s easier (and more dependable) ways to get money than to find kinky men willing to give it to you. Instead, these dommes are out for the sense of power that comes from telling someone to give you something OR they are doing it to please their partners (Imagine that!).
In the words of a bottom I know who enjoys findom, "Money is a basic representation of power. To give someone money, is to give them power, in a very tangible and basic form."
So if we can accept power exchange through sadism, service, consensual non-consent, why can't we accept power exchange through money?
When I take money from someone, yes I enjoy spending the money. But I enjoy it because when I do, I think about that person working to get the money, then giving it to me just because I said so. It makes me feel like I own that person's labor, I own a bit of their time and their body and all it produces. It feels POWERFUL, it feels sexy, it feels like I own their ass.
In case it wasn't clear, I do not ask all my partners for money. Findom is only one of the ways that I enjoy consensual power exchange. It's not even in the majority of my relationships. And I realize that taking too much money is harmful, and you have to consider the specific risks to the person you are taking it from. I engage financial domination safely, sanely and consensually, the same as anything else.
And I hate that fellow kinksters want to demean me for that.
About the Author: Starrceline is a dominant, neurodivergent kinkster who has been frolicking in Pittsburgh for years, specializing in a cute kind of evil.
