On Being a Genderqueer Daddy
A few years ago I was preparing for a date with a genderqueer lover. This was a long anticipated connection with a long distance and long interval partner. As we talked and I got a deeper understanding of what they wanted and needed from our play, I was overwhelmed by my desire to relate in a certain way.
I wanted to be their Daddy. And they, an AFAB person, wanted to be my boy.
At first, this felt weird, transgressive. I had always understood the dynamic to be one (mostly) between older cis Dom men and younger cis sub women, and the inherent power dynamic was something I both did not relate to, and in some cases, found deeply problematic with respect to real power imbalance. (Yes, I am also aware that this is an established relationship model with gay men, which is why I say “mostly” above.)
I sat with my feelings. So did they. We discussed them. And then we leaned in.
What happened was revelatory.
When I stepped into the role, I felt I could offer a wonderful balance of discipline, guidance and care. I held space for my friend in ways I had not held space for lovers before. I loved it. Any sense of it being weird evaporated.
I have also stepped into this space with AMAB read-as-cis male partners. Some ache to hear the words “good girl”. Others want to occupy a space where they are free of gender. They all share the desire to be seen as tender and sweet and vulnerable and deserving of care. It feels like a wonderful gift to give.
When I was growing up, I did not play with dolls. I didn’t wear dresses, or play house, or have fantasies about my future wedding, my future husband, my future children. I knew they were possibilities, and maybe even expectations, but they simply did not interest me. When they happened, I leaned in, but that’s not the same as saying they were a lifelong dream. There were joys and also a lot of struggles.
I have never wanted to be a Mommy. It’s funny. Sir is great. Master, Mistress and sometimes even Ma’am are OK. But Mommy makes me want to leap out of my skin. Perhaps it has something to do with having brought actual children into the world, growing them in my body, feeding and caring for them in ways that are completely non-sexual.
Maybe it feels like work. Maybe it bumps up against my innate genderqueer nature in a way that slots me into a role as “woman only“ which feels like an itchy wool turtleneck to me. I do know it’s not something I want to offer to adults in a sexualized space.
Perhaps - most importantly - being Daddy gives me the freedom to both make demands and offer generosity and nurturing and care without the specific burdens of additional emotional labour that are implicitly expected of cis women.
What does it mean to look like me (curvy, comparatively petite, and almost always universally identified as a cis woman) and to be a Daddy? And why are some people of various sex and gender configurations drawn to it?
How many other people who look like me occupy that space?
Interestingly enough, on the occasions when I present as high femme, it also feels performative, not my natural default setting.
I know I am not alone, and yet I don’t see much representation of this dynamic in the kink scene at-large.
I do know I find it deeply satisfying, and when I hear the words “yes, Daddy” I am weak in the knees with desire. There is something about the archetype, something about the role that is very satisfying for me, in spite of all my problems with “Domliness”, masculinity and the patriarchy. It is nuanced in ways that I have not yet found the words for. Flipping the script feels very powerful.
About the Author: SmiteSprite is a genderqueer solo poly relationship anarchist Dom/top with ADHD. Relentlessly curious and often underslept, SmiteSprite lives for connection to other people and the natural world.
