A Stag’s Evolution
This lifestyle is all about trying new things, testing your norms, and learning what makes you and your partner tick. It's about expanding your horizons and finding the things that make your life more amazing.
One such experience began when I suggested to my partner DaisyBell that it would be good for her to play alone.
In fact I insisted on it.
DaisyBell had grown closer to our mutual play partner, Tony, during her recovery from surgery. Weeks went by and as I watched, I found myself thinking "We need to schedule a playdate soon, they both deserve it."
My partner DaisyBell and I always played together. The thought of her ever going by herself on a playdate was a huge turn-off and set my stomach a churn. My anxiety went through the roof and my palms sweat.
I trust DaisyBell completely, I know she will do what she says and I know she will tell me if she even slightly deviates. I also trust her that we will always work through whatever life brings. But I didn't trust Tony, at least not with the most precious thing in my world, not completely. What I did trust was that Tony wouldn't overstep bounds and that if rubber met the road, he would protect her.
When I first broached the subject with DaisyBell of her having a weekend away, alone, without me, she agreed but still wanted to wait till I could go with her. The first plausible weekend for us to get together didn’t work for me. There was a meet and greet event and Karaoke night at our Dungeon as well as another event that I wanted to go to.
I also knew that the woman I love more than anything in the world had a need that I could see: a want and a desire, and there wasn't another good weekend for at least another month. I knew that she needed a break, recovery had sucked. The kids had caused stress, the surgery had caused stress. She needed that weekend, and I told her that she did.
She was naturally worried about me but I explained my plans for the weekend. I sent a message to Tony, I don't remember the exact content but the context was "Your next meeting will likely be without me, don't know what will come from it but it's with my approval." He was surprised but agreeable.
Going into the weekend I had decided I didn't want this to be a bad experience. I built the entire thing up and set myself for success. I had goals, I had plans, I had everything mapped out. But when I saw her driving down the driveway headed on a 4-hour drive alone, to a hotel room where tomorrow she would have her first remote playdate, a sadness overtook my excitement.
At first I was concerned. Was I getting cold feet? Then I realized, no, I was simply sad. Normally, it's us going on a trip together and I wasn't going to see her again until Sunday. I searched my feelings and found that I was still completely excited for the experiences that she was going to have.
As Friday night arrived, I headed out to Karaoke at the Dungeon. DaisyBell and Tony were already flirting up a storm, sending naughty pics, clips, and talking about what they were going to do to one another. I was high on watching it all from afar, scared for her safety (because that's me), and excited for the thoughts that I was watching get exchanged.
At the Dungeon that night, I saw a number of friends, and for the most part my mind was occupied and I was good. Then something triggered the most powerful feeling of sadness that I have ever experienced. One friend embraced me, held me, and whispered to me "It's okay, you're with friends." She held me there tenderly for a long while, giving constant reassurance. Of course she was right, and within a few minutes I was fine and back out having fun. I sang, I danced, I chatted, I watched, and I learned.
See that's the thing about BDSM, yes people belong to explore the taboo, but they mostly go to explore their limits. Exploring your limits means breaking, and breaking means you have to rebuild. You can't do that alone; you need the support and reassurance from those around you. I'd never thought about this before then, but that's what we get from the Dungeon and from our BDSM family. We get support, and instead of judgement we get comfort and reassurance that everything will be fine, that we are strong enough to overcome.
When I went home, DaisyBell and I talked about our day, and I told her about how proud I was of her. I was so excited for her, and most importantly how much I loved her.
The following night, at the Dungeon I received a picture or video here or there from DaisyBell and Tony. Not too often and not too many. I had actually requested they not send me much, I wanted them to focus on one another. I had ups, and I had lows, but when I hit lows I used the tools I had learned to switch it up and return to the supportive high state.
I was also being mindful of time, as I had to borrow my son’s truck to get back and forth and needed to get it back to him for work.
Then it happened. Across the room there was a very attractive woman who was having a conversation about needles and tattoos.
I stuck out an opinion and we started chatting. I quickly found myself talking to and engaging with someone I honestly found more attractive the more we spoke.
Before I left that night, I asked if I could have her Fet name (FetLife is a BDSM lifestyle website that most people in the lifestyle belong to). She grabbed my phone from my hand, opened my browser, went to my account and added it herself.
Like a dumb struck teenager I left.
What the actual fuck just happened? I don't talk to women, I don't flirt, I don't show interest. Yet here I was with a contact on my phone. Not just a contact, but one that I was very interested in.
On the way I got a message from DaisyBell.
"Done for the night, just talking, he's leaving soon."
I responded, "I can't wait to tell you about my night!"
"Oh? Good or bad?"
"Good, I met a woman." My fingers actually trembled at this; how would she respond?
"Awesome!"
Then silence.
There I sat, my mind racing, my pulse high, my palms sweating. Do I dare send a message to the woman I’d met? I wanted to, I wanted to schedule a lunch or dinner or date or some fucking thing.
I need DaisyBell, I need her advice.
I looked at the clock, 30 minutes since her message.
“Soon”? What’s “soon”?
I looked at the time, it was an hour later. I opened my phone and I wrote a message "Hi, I had a great time tonight and I'd like to continue our conversation. Would you be open to coffee, lunch, or dinner?" and I hit send.
Sunday came, and DaisyBell headed home. We talked about how much we missed one another, how much we wished the other were around, and about what had transpired. We talked about what she found different, what new experiences she had had, and how she never would have had them if I were there.
We talked about the woman I met, and how I never would have met her if DaisyBell had been there.
We talked about how forcing ourselves apart had led us to learn more about ourselves.
The most important thing we talked about was how much we loved being together, but how we needed the opportunities for experiences apart.
How will this change us? Simple. We agreed that mostly we would like to travel together. When we have playdates, she wants to have meetings without me and with me. I can keep myself busy while she’s getting busy. I can be there to fill my fetish, to take photos, and to continue to experience as well, because I'll never not want to be involved at some level.
We know how to cope and how to communicate. With those two tools and with support from friends, experiences become evolutions.
About the Author: Jeremy Farmer is the heteroflexible Stag of DaisyBell. Together they are the Stag and Vixen couple known as fncpl on FetLife, enjoying and exploring everything the worlds of BDSM and ENM have to offer together.
