It Wasn’t Supposed to Be Like This
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. Goodbye.”
And with the end of that call, my DDlg dynamic was over.
Dumbfounded, I stared at my phone as tears began welling up in my eyes, my mind desperately trying to reconcile what had just happened.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
While the week had been rough on all fronts of my love life, that morning started out with much promise. After weeks of tension and threats of divorce, my wife and I had reconciled the previous night.
I had hoped this would ease the strain on my emotional and mental well-being, as well as on the dynamic I had with my girlfriend/little. However, my little was having none of it: if she couldn’t have me to herself, she wouldn’t have me at all; the fact that my wife and I were trying to make our marriage work was verboten to her.
I pushed myself through the work day with a stoic resolve to finish the tasks at hand. As soon as I arrived home at the end of the day, my willpower crumbled. I was spent, broken, and cognizant of the immense void growing within me. I collapsed into bed and wept, desperate to purge the heartbreak and disappointment from my heart. Slumber was fleeting that night and when dawn broke, the void was even larger, gaping, and demanding attention. I looked at my phone: where I usually found a ‘Good Morning, Daddy’ text from her was a deafening silence.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
All the plans for the future that had been made: for her to move to our town, for me to equally split my time between the two loves of my life, for our dynamic to flourish and grow while my marriage continued steadfast. The goal of collaring and ownership, the scenes and kinks we wanted to try, and the direction we wanted to go as both a couple and a dynamic - all gone.
What was especially difficult to reconcile was that my first dynamic was over. To make matters worse, she quickly removed herself from my life entirely, blocking me on all fronts and telling me to never contact her again. I knew she was hurting, and there wasn’t shit I could do to help: I had been shut out of her life forever.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
The thought resonated loudly in the coming weeks and months, particularly when each milestone came and went: her birthday, the holidays, the anniversary of our first kiss.
Eventually, I started dating again, but the ghost of my broken dynamic was always in the background, quietly reminding me of what could have been. Over time, I was able to heal and reconcile the dissonance between my rational mind and my wounded heart. While it was challenging and painful, I was able to come out the other side.
We often talk about the importance of aftercare in BDSM. But what is rarely discussed, let alone addressed, is the need for aftercare when a dynamic ends: the need to heal, the need to resolve unaddressed issues, and the need to recover from the pain of a breakup. Instead, we leave one another to deal with the massive void in our hearts and in our lives, completely alone. But there’s also the loss of routine.
I’ve spoken with s-types on the aftermath of their broken dynamic, how it was an adjustment dealing with the routine their daily tasks had instilled within them, and how hollow they felt when they no longer had a D-type keeping them on track. While I can’t fully relate to what they’ve experienced, I can say that the adjustment is similar for the D-type who no longer has a submissive to keep on task. To nurture. To protect. To build up.
Gone was checking up to make sure she was drinking enough water and eating properly.
Gone was tabulating her tasks towards a reward.
Gone was the plea for release during an intense scene.
And gone were the cuddles and post-coital bliss of time well spent together.
One of my biggest take-aways from the breakdown of that dynamic was the willingness to discuss the possibility of failure with a future partner: how much we will be available to one another, what remedies will be offered in the event a dynamic falls apart, and the steps that can be taken to ensure a dissolution will be amicable.
Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much we romanticize our dynamics and the partner with whom we share it. People change, kinks evolve, and we grow beyond our present circumstances and those within it. If we can be mature and address one another’s needs during the duration of a dynamic, we can be mature and address one another’s needs should it fail.
About the Author: TheMeanistPeen is a Gentleman Sadist and Daddy Dom with a heart as big as his arms and a penchant for photography and piercings.
