Early Lessons from a Poly Newbie
I never spent time planning my wedding as a kid, or even as a teenager. I never talked with other girls about what I would name my children. I never even really wanted children, to be honest.
In my twenties I had a few short-term boyfriends and a bunch of casual fucks. I met a man and fell in love -- or at least, whatever “in love” means to a 20-something -- and then a few years later, I got married.
Because that’s what people do, right? They meet, they date for a socially-acceptable period of time, and then they pledge to be together forever.
During my relationship with my husband, I had two emotional affairs. He knew of both, we talked it through, and then we moved on. The second emotional affair was particularly brutal however, and I still remember feeling as though I was literally being torn in two. My upbringing made it incredibly difficult for me to think anything other than, “I have to choose.” Now, three years or so out of divorce, I’m exploring what I’m fairly certain I have always been: polyamorous.
I’ve had quite a few dates and one failed relationship, which I think puts me in a unique position of still being new, but not quite as new as the “I’ve read Ethical Slut and I’m poly!” person I was when I started. I’ve been reflecting lately on those early adventures and decided to compile some tips that I hope will help anyone who is curious about or new to polyamory.
#1. Don’t get defensive about being new.
When you first start out, you might find that poly folks can shy away from newbies. This is not a reflection of your sincerity or authenticity. Taking on a partner who is a novice at this stuff can have a high emotional risk associated with it, especially if you aren’t sure whether or not you really are poly. Try not to get frustrated at those who are reluctant, and recognize that their reasoning is likely due to past negative experiences that have nothing to do with you.
#2. There’s no such thing as being “poly enough”.
Whenever I mention the “poly enough” conundrum to my poly friends, they nod their heads in a knowing way -- yes, practically everyone feels this at some point in their journey, sometimes more than once. Keep in mind that the possible ways to practice polyamory are so vast that your dating pool will be full of people who are interested in a structure or style that you aren’t looking for. This can feel alienating and can lead you to question if you’re even poly at all. Try not to let that get to your head. Much as in the kink community, sometimes it just takes a minute to find those who are into what you like.
The “poly enough” monster can also appear in brand new experiences that are unique to polyamorous relationships: the first time your date goes home to their primary, the first time you meet a metamour, the first (or second, or fiftieth) time your partner mentions their other partner(s) in an endearing way. There’s no magic formula that will make you not feel feelings. But you can also open up about what you’re experiencing and talk about it with your partner. Which brings me to the next point.
#3. Get used to talking. A lot.
One of the plethora of reasons I’m poly is because it challenges me in ways that I want to be challenged: speaking up about my needs, setting (and continually reinforcing) my personal boundaries, respecting boundaries of my partners, and maintaining open lines of communication. You’re going to have to talk to your partners on these topics, and you’re going to have to be okay with opening up about how you’re feeling and what you want out of that relationship. If you can’t recognize your own emotions and voice them in a clear way, you’re going to have some problems keeping poly partners for the long term.
#4. Poly is messy.
Monogamy has levels and stages built into it by design: after a certain amount of time, you are no longer dating but are instead “partners”. After another amount of time, you might say “I love you” to that person. Then, you move in with one another, you get married, you buy a house, etc. Polyamory isn’t really like that. Or at least, it hasn’t been for me.
It’s more like polyamory is a perpetual wave that you’re riding with someone else, and you have to be willing to allow for the tide to take you where it wants. Be open to the possibility that the partnership won’t last forever. You don’t have to have the future planned out, and you certainly don’t have to know straight out of the gate how you want your relationships to be structured. This leads to my final and most important piece of advice.
#5. Self-care and recognition of your own worth are essential.
If you’re not comfortable being alone, if you rely on others to make you happy, or if you have a deep desire to be taken care of, please explore those feelings and behaviors in depth before starting a poly relationship. Until you can recognize your own worth and value, you’re going to have a rough go of it in the poly world...and honestly, probably in the monogamy world, too. Part of the structure of any healthy relationship is the willingness to let our partners be who they are. In poly, this means finding healthy ways to cope with nights alone while your partner is out on a date, allowing yourself to feel the negative feelings and to work through them, and setting time apart from your partners to do things that are solely for yourself. If you truly see yourself as enough, then you allow for your partners to do the same.
There are going to be beautiful moments as well as deeply challenging ones in your poly journey. I have no doubt that I’ll have many more encounters and experiences (both good and bad) that will result in many more lessons. And I can’t wait.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a queer, poly, sadomasochist and playful kinkster with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
