“Don’t Kneel Today”
I was cleaning recently, and as I moved my bedside table to sweep up underneath, a flash of yellow caught my eye. It was a post-it note stuck to the bottom of the table. I picked it up, and tears filled my eyes as I read it.
A little yellow post-it note reminder in my own handwriting.
“You will be okay. Deep breath, don't kneel today.”
There was a time when I needed that reminder after months and months of kneeling every morning in ritual. In offering myself for another day of service to him, it felt impossible not to kneel, even long after we were over. It was more than a habit; it was compelling.
I found such peace in the kneeling position of Nadu. It filled my heart each day as I pledged my devotion to him. It felt sacred and so special, and to stop felt so wrong. I felt like I was no longer a good girl or a good submissive. I felt empty and so very alone.
Is a submissive still a submissive without her Daddy?
The reminder is no longer needed - I don't kneel anymore. I remember the first time I changed my profile picture on FetLife; my sister helped because I struggled to decide which photo I should choose. Not because I'm not capable, but because doing something without permission caused anxiety. He controlled everything about me on social media.
It started very slowly - first, it was what writings I could post and the parts of me I could show. Over time he decided who I could be friends with and who I could talk to. I was held responsible for incoming messages to my inbox and comments on my pictures, for calming his anger because some stranger liked my ass or seemed overly friendly.
Even now, I'm cautious with what I like, the words I use, what I write about, and what I post. I'm afraid I'll do the wrong thing. That I'll hurt him or make him angry. I don't even know if he's there.
Sometimes my anxiety will get the best of me and I need to pause, take a deep breath, and remind myself I can do what I like. It's hard. I wish I had the words to convey what this feels like. Even after all this time, I feel like I'm disobedient when I'm making my own choices.
I really wish I had known before giving my power away how absolutely impossible it would feel to take it back.
They say time heals all wounds - but does it?
I have to trust that it does. In the meantime, tonight, I wrote a new reminder to myself on a little yellow post-it note. I drew little hearts around it and placed it on my bedside table.
"You will be okay, you are strong, you are worth knowing and loving. So take a deep, deep breath - and remember you matter."
About the Author: GlassGirl is an experienced service submissive and erotica and lifestyle writer with a passion for kink education and helping others. You can find more of her writing on her website, www.glassgirl.co
