I’m a Masochist and a Survivor
A few months ago, I came across a piece of erotica that had kicked up quite an emotional response from other members of the hosting website.
The erotica in question described a scene in which a man drags a woman by her hair and slams her into a wall. Some members of the website felt it necessary to emphasize that domestic violence is not a kink, to which I had thought, “Of course it isn’t!”
The slew of comments on the post ranged from kinksters who alleged that the writing promoted and endorsed domestic violence, to those who vehemently opposed such an interpretation.
Where I diverged from some critics of the writing was in their position that literally anything that mentions dragging a woman by her hair, throwing her into the wall, punching her in the face, or any other "extreme" violence is not kink, but is in actuality an endorsement of domestic violence.
Naturally, I am not the only one in the kink community who took issue with this frankly illogical and absurd notion.
I have absolutely no doubt that there are deep psychological reasons for why pain is attractive to me and why it turns me on. My personal threshold for pain is perhaps lower than many of my fellow kinksters. For example, I personally don't want to be punched, especially not in the face. I don't particularly care for the deeper impact that comes from the thuddier of implements. But stingy things? I think I want to explore those more. Zappy electricity things? Oh...yes, please.
Because here's the thing: I am a survivor. My brother physically and emotionally abused me for 14 years. I've been in gaslighting relationships. I was sexually assaulted. I've been with narcissists and had emotionally abusive friendships.
But never in my entire relationship history have I felt more authentic, more empowered, or more true to myself than when I have consented to allow someone to inflict physical violence on me.
Perhaps deep down there's some sort of ownership of my painful past in all of this. Perhaps some day, I'll grow and evolve to be a person that really gets off on being punched or thrown into a wall. I can see the appeal and I can understand it. But it's just not where I am right now, and I don't judge it one bit.
I also understand what it means to grapple with my shame. In the lifestyle, people talk a lot about the shame a Sadist sometimes has to overcome in order to fully embrace inflicting hurt on another person. That inner conflict is immense, and some never overcome it. I would argue, as a survivor, that there is some shame in wanting pain and in claiming the label of a masochist.
Does it mean that I'm broken? Does it mean...I'm somehow a bad person? Am I disrespecting the challenges I've had to overcome by allowing some new kind of violence to be inflicted on me?
Of course the answer to all these questions is a resounding no. Why?
CONSENT
CONSENT
CONSENT
Accepting my desire for pain and accepting that I wasn't a bad or broken person for wanting it was the most empowering thing I have ever done for myself.
Pain is part of who I am. It's in my DNA. I love the rush of euphoria I get with each strike. I see it as a symbol of the mutual trust and understanding between the Top and myself. What we are engaging in is incredibly intimate and borderline spiritual for me.
To tell me I am a victim when I engage in masochism is perhaps the best way to lose my respect and my friendship. To compare the edgier types of kinky play to the horrors of physical abuse or to insist that I need protection from myself else I fall into an abusive relationship not only dishonors my experiences as a survivor, but it also removes my autonomy and right to make my own decisions.
It's my life. Mine. I'm a sadomasochist who engages in impact play. I'm a survivor who withstood the horrors of physical and emotional abuse. If you can't see the difference between those two, I encourage you to read and learn more about the world of kink.
You will discover quite quickly that very little in this world is as it first appears.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a queer, poly, sadomasochist and playful kinkster with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
