Suffering: Emotional Masochism
Emotional masochism is commonly referred to as a form of edge play, and it’s no wonder, really.
You’re toying with someone’s emotions, their sense of reality, their self-esteem, confidence, wellbeing. It’s not a safe space if somebody doesn’t understand it, and a horrible place to find yourself in when you’re left to try and take care of yourself.
But done right, it can be an exceptional learning curve.
What I value most about my kink journey is learning about who I am. I value learning about the way I am, and how I evolve.
At root, suffering is a way for me to transition between fantasy and reality. Nothing will ever make me suffer as much as having a dream destroyed, even if by some semblance of "reality". I live in doubt and fear that reality could be what I’ve built in my head, but if that’s true, what would I have to build next?
I suffer when faced with the fact a fantasy is no longer a fantasy, whether it becomes a reality, or it was never going to be. Someone once asked me: if I suddenly had the life I dreamed of, would it be worth more or less to me because it was no longer a dream? It's five years later and I still haven't found the answer.
Suffering brings me closer to what I want to be - the person buried so deep within myself she never sees the light of day. But there have been times when suffering has created somebody else entirely. That’s a risk you take in this arena - emotional masochism can change you, and not always for the best.
It sometimes becomes a form of retribution for guilt for me. If somebody else makes me suffer, does it alleviate my guilt? Does it make me a better person? Does it make up for the sins I've committed in the past?
Not really, but it grants me an opportunity to learn, to increase my capacity for endurance, to gain insight and understanding about my own personal growth. I learn what levels of hardship there are emotionally and physically, and therefore have more empathy through personal experience.
I also learn how to defer to someone else's judgment. The occasions I've tried to submit to someone's will or intent in the past have been unsuccessful. But there's a physical ache within me to be able to submit and defer in that way. Perhaps because to suffer shows the price I'm willing to pay to quench their particular thirst for D/s. I enjoy being that girl. I need to see them proudly wear who they are, who they really are, I get to experience the reality of that - and so do they. There’s a level of power gained in return, too. In offering to suffer for them, I must make myself vulnerable, and that’s a powerful drug.
There's inertia in that dance. The more I suffer and the more I give, the more they take from me and the more they want. I become more to them, thus cementing me in their memory. It ties into the way I feel the need to write my name on the world, even if it only belongs to one person. I want that person to be the one that takes everything from me.
The question of why I would choose to suffer for someone is complex - It’s more why I would choose to suffer for them individually, because generally, I wouldn't.
But what do I get out of it?
Well, I get to silence the mind.
This is something that I find very, very difficult. I'd go so far as to say I find it impossible. Painfully few people I've encountered over time have had the ability to silence my mind, though many have claimed to be able to.
Someone can make me suffer facing truths I'd otherwise ignore. Why I want them to do that lies in the fact that I want to reveal all of myself; I just don't know how to.
Often, the type of suffering doesn't matter. Dizzying breathlessness can render me entirely speechless, and I hate that. Physical pain might make me cry, but it's not prolonged enough. To have me suffer through kindness as well as cruelty, knowing I crave and abhor both, is where the magic really is. It's not the idea of suffering so much as the exposition to it at someone's behest.
But what do I offer to the willing sadist? Honestly, not a great deal, because I don't want to suffer for just anybody. I’ll give anyone the opportunity to explore me, to hurt me, but there's little I offer beyond that. Perhaps all I can offer is trust, and that’s not a thing I easily give away.
Nobody said emotional sadism was like winning the lottery.
Nobody said emotional masochism was any easier.
About the Author: DiavalDiablo is a mental auralist with a love of sharp things, including wit, and is considered an "antisocial butterfly".
