Your First Munch
How to Cope with Social Anxiety and Have a Great Time
I know you.
You’ve already Googled “what to expect at your first munch” and read through a dozen blog posts, maybe perused some subreddits or YouTube videos, and you’re not getting the information you think you need.
You’ve got the basic concept down: a bunch of kinky people gather in a vanilla setting, typically a restaurant (hence the name “munch” which I have always hated, personally). So you order food, sit there, and talk … possibly to complete strangers, unless you already have a connection in your local scene.
I know you, because I was you.
What do I wear? Will I look weird? How can people just eat and drink and RELAX in this kind of environment? Am I too vanilla/normal for a gathering like this? What if it’s cliquey and no one expects a newbie to show up? What if everyone secretly hates me?
Ok, hopefully that last thought didn’t pop up for you, but if it did, take a deep breath, slow down for a moment and listen:
The vast majority of people are far too concerned with themselves to worry all that much about you.
But if that doesn’t help you feel better, here are some tips and tricks you may not have considered in those several pages of Google hits on munch etiquette.
1. If you don’t already know one of the “regulars”, try to attend with a partner or friend. If you must go solo, contact the munch leaders ahead of time to let them know it’s your first time.
This was far and away the most emphasized piece of advice I received when I tapped my local online community for first-time munch tips. Just as with any other social gathering, regardless of your level of nervousness going in, it obviously helps to know someone. Need to go alone? Get as much information as possible about the munch, its organizers, the venue, and the regulars.
Folks who organize munches have taken it upon themselves to become your ambassadors to the kink/fetish/BDSM community in your area—so don’t be afraid to message them ahead of time. They expect and welcome new folks and will be happy to answer any questions you might have.
For some people with social anxiety, the most stressful part of attending a munch is walking into a restaurant and trying to figure out which sizeable group is the actual munch versus, say, someone’s book club or business meeting. But this is actually simpler than you might anticipate. Not all munch leaders bend over backwards to make their group easy to find, but most of them are aware that they need to be visible enough for new folks to recognize them easily. One munch I started attending last fall, during a brief respite from high Covid-19 infection numbers, was held outside in a park. The organizers posted on FetLife ahead of time that attendees could look for a vase of blue and black flowers on the picnic table so that they could be sure they were in the right spot.
If you show up unannounced—which is totally fine as long as you’ve met the basic RSVP requirements, if there are any— make an effort to introduce yourself to the munch leader(s) once you arrive. If you’re so painfully shy that you can’t even do that, it’s okay, but be prepared for someone to approach you if that’s the case.
2. Practice some CBT (no, not that kind, lol).
I’m referring to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a treatment modality that is used to treat a variety of mental health conditions, including anxiety. In lay person terms:
CBT is based on the idea that how we think (cognition), how we feel (emotion) and how we act (behavior) all interact together. Specifically, our thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior.
To simplify this concept even further: you envision the worst possible thing that could happen, and then take things one step further to imagine how you will handle the situation and what would be likely to happen next.
In the case of a munch, try to envision the worst possible outcome. Let’s assume it’s this: you will not connect all that well with anyone, pay for your food, and leave.
Even if that does happen, is it really so bad? No one is going to whisper about you afterward, think you looked weird (because honestly, we are all a bit weird in the first place), or that you did anything untoward unless you were actually trying to be a dick, which is unlikely given that you’re reading this article in the first place.
What’s more likely is that you’ll chat a bit with one or two people, perhaps the munch leaders or a friendly and extroverted regular. If you and they feel so inclined, you might even agree to exchange contact information or stay in touch afterward. If not, you can attend next month and hope to see your new acquaintance(s) again.
I mean, I guess the other worst case scenario is that you could poop in your pants, but that’s not very likely, is it? Steer clear of laxatives prior to the munch and just go and enjoy a great meal with fellow kinky folks.
3. Remember that munches are for forging social connections of all kinds, not for scoping out your local play and dating prospects.
You’ll find that many “what to expect at your first munch” articles lead off with this topic. Why? The whole purpose of a munch is for kinky people to gather in a public setting that is both casual and focused on a vanilla activity, typically breaking bread together.
The people who attend munches want to feel comfortable, relaxed, and connected in a friendly, no-pressure environment. Some people will make fast friends, others will be a bit more reserved. The conversation may turn to kink and related topics, but it’s more likely that discussions will stick to everyday hobbies, interests, and passions.
Flirting can and does happen at munches, but is only successful when two people have reached that point organically in the course of some fun and lighthearted conversation. Try not to push for anything in particular, and remember that munches are for forging social connections of all kinds, not for scoping out your local play and dating prospects.
If you feel comfortable and the person you’re talking to is open to connecting outside of the munch, tell them you’ll look forward to seeing them at next month’s meeting. And vary it up a bit; if you’re a straight, dominant man hoping to meet a submissive woman at some point, please do not limit your interactions to only the people who you perceive to be female s-types. Engage with other men and people of all genders and orientations! Talk to people with whom you share common interests, and those who spark your interest in a possible platonic friendship!
You never know when one connection will lead to another.
About the Author: Brightnbitter is a pansexual, polyamorous curvy femme switch who is perpetually confused, but making her kinks work despite the constant din of background noise in her brain.
