A Cautionary Tale of Subfrenzy
I consider myself a pretty grounded individual. I am fully aware of the risks associated with engaging in kink, and I understand the importance of elements such as trust, communication, and negotiation.
Before joining the community, I spent a few months learning about BDSM by watching educational videos and reading articles on the internet. When I made my kinky debut in October of 2018, I primarily spent time talking and getting to know other kinksters in the scene. By December, I felt ready and armed with the knowledge I needed to not get myself into a precarious or potentially deadly situation.
I read about subfrenzy and was told by many that the most important thing I should keep in mind is to “go slow”.
Frankly? I felt like it wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t going to fall for some predatory behavior because I knew I was smarter than that.
Then...I began talking with a Dom who lived a couple cities over from me.
He had found me on a social media platform for kinksters and sent me a thoughtful and articulate message. He admired my writings and dipped into his own to produce thoughts and concepts that coincided with mine. He was able to pinpoint what I was after and why I had joined the kink-verse at a relatively later time than many others. Being in my thirties and freshly divorced, his words felt like heaven.
And of course, things escalated quickly.
Within two weeks of knowing him, I drove two hours to his city to watch his band perform. During the set break I approached the stage. This was to be our very first meeting face to face. I wore a short black cocktail dress and high heels, which was something I had not done in years. He jumped off the stage and we spoke for a few moments before he suggested that we go for a drink when his show was done. As I turned to walk away, he growled softly about how hot I looked. I was a wet mess by the end of the show, my eyes fixated on him the entire time.
Lo and behold, by the time the show was over, no bars were open. “Why don’t we just go to my place?” he suggested.
You know those times in the old sitcoms when a story is being told and you hear the record stop, everything pauses, and the narrator says something like, “What happens next is exactly what you don’t do”?
“Sure!” I chirped. He had given me his driver’s ID which he had seen me take a photo of and text to my friend for safe keeping. Truth be told, at this point, there was no stopping me.
When I walked into his apartment, I had barely put my purse down before he was on me. Not in an aggressive way necessarily, but more in a domineering way. A dominant way. What followed was what I call my first scene, but it would be a stretch to call it something that by definition requires forethought and conversation. Almost every possible thing I had read about safe practices with kink and BDSM went straight on the floor with my panties.
Now, nothing happened in my first scene that was a negative experience, with one exception. I received very little aftercare. After almost two years in this lifestyle, I’ve realized how lucky I was that nothing worse occurred. I also have come to accept that this person understood what frenzy was, and used it to his advantage.
A couple weeks went by before I was able to take a step back and recognize that this Dom was not healthy for me. Whatever we had going on, it was extremely one-sided. He refused to come to my town and expected me to always come to him. He began to push his fantasies onto me over phone calls, describing things he would do to me that I explicitly began telling him I wouldn’t enjoy at all. As a result of his lack of respect for my boundaries over the phone, I ended things shortly thereafter.
Moral of this story: Go slowly straight out of the gate.
Here are some suggestions that might help:
Develop a friendship with someone else who has been in the lifestyle for longer than you. Do this before you ever engage in play. Make friendship the focus. How? Engage in writings and groups online. Go to virtual events and classes, or if you are comfortable, go to munches. All these things will help you to get to know people.
Listen to your new friend when they say to be careful. So you have a newly founded friendship. Hooray! And you also have interest in someone...your first ever play partner. They want to play with you asap and want to do all the things that are on your kink to-do list. Fuck. Yes. Then along comes your friend saying that this isn't a good idea?! Pfft.
Okay, so you won't listen to your friend. Play in public first. Yeah, it's not as comfortable, and a little awkward. But if you're insistent on not truly getting to know the person you want to play with, at the very least play with them at a party with other kinksters or in a public play space. If they refuse to play in a public area, that should be a warning to you that they might not be safe.
Fine, you won't play in public. I didn't play in public the first handful of times I engaged in kink. But here are some things I wish I had done: (1) Meet the person first prior to playing. Like, meet them in person. Meet them at a public place and have a meal or a drink, then go home. Your first meeting should not immediately be followed by a scene. Go home, think about it, and then get your kink on. (2) Do you know your limits? Figure them out and communicate them. (3) Get the person's name and number, and give it to a like-minded friend.
Lastly....be kind with yourself when you fuck up. Because you will; we all do because we are human beings. It's how we learn. We are all going to make mistakes and it's not ever going to be fun when it happens.
So if you're new, take a breather and ask yourself if what you are about to do with someone is actually a good idea, and maybe listen to those who say it isn't.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a queer, poly, sadomasochist and playful kinkster with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
