Planning for the End
“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
I often get messages asking for advice, guidance, or simply my thoughts from other submissives. I had one the other day that asked:
"What does a submissive do when her dynamic ends?"
For some, it's an easy answer; they grieve like they would with any ending. Heartache, I think, is some of the worst kind of pain. Yet time can heal, and then you do your best to move forward in your life. But power exchange, D/s? It can add layers we don't think about.
As submissives, we often accept tasks. We are assigned things to do daily for our Dominants. We create rituals to strengthen our bond together. We serve. We obey. We are given rules to follow to be a good (girl).
At the beginning of the dynamic, we are excited by these negotiations. They become the foundation for us. I know for myself- rituals, service, tasks are grounding. In a 24/7 TPE, the dynamic can feel like a living and breathing entity all on its own. And when it ends? When the dynamic is no longer living, there is grief that is hard to describe. If I have knelt every morning for our entire relationship when it ends... do I just stop kneeling?
If my Dominant decided what I would wear, and it was a rule, I can't tell you how absolutely wrong it feels to now make the decision on my own. Not that I don't have the skills, of course, I do- but it's been a rule for so long it's become a habit of asking for permission. Then when it's over, they aren't there to ask. It can be paralyzing. It feels so wrong.
I don't think the effects of D/s endings are talked about enough.
As kinksters, we are told about the importance of negotiation. We become pros at communication. We negotiate almost everything in our dynamics- why don't we plan for endings?
It's easy to get caught up in the romance of it all. Kinky fuckery, power exchange- it feels so damn good. We think idealistically that this will be for always. It will be forever. We tell each other that too fully intending it. Who wants to think about it being over? But dynamics are just relationships, and they can and do end.
Somethings to think about, talk about and plan for-
What will happen to your rules, tasks, and rituals when it's over?
Would it be helpful to slowly cut back?
Would you want your Dominant to guide you through that? Would they be willing?
Would contact be helpful or unhelpful?
Is there a close friend that could assist you through the transition?
Before you center your life around someone, please think about how it would feel to no longer have them in your life. Plan for it the best way you can. Protect your heart and mind.
I know that power exchange dynamics are exciting. Power exchange can be all-encompassing, and you'll feel more vulnerable and more connected than you have in most previous relationships. It's easy to get caught up in that on both sides of the slash. But it's not a game, and it can have real, lasting consequences long after you've parted ways.
Note: This is written from a submissive perspective because that's who I am; dynamics ending, of course, can have lasting effects for the Dominants as well. This also won't necessarily apply or be needed in every dynamic type, but it is worth having the conversation.
About the Author: GlassGirl is an experienced service submissive and erotica and lifestyle writer with a passion for kink education and helping others. You can find more of her writing on her website, www.glassgirl.co
