The Alpha Submissive
Kink-shaming tends to come from individuals who hold double-standards.
Shamers will argue about the morality or social implications of another kinkster’s proclivities while expecting everyone around them to treat their kinks with respect. This gets complicated when we talk about the role of an ‘alpha submissive’.
Alpha subs have become one of the biggest taboos in an already taboo subculture, and next to no one in the kink community seems to like or even tolerate this role. You can simply Google ‘alpha submissive’ and come up with post after post about why this title is problematic and why it needs to be tossed.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it for you here: there are assholes in the kink community and always have been. As a result, I have no doubt that there are self-professed alpha submissives who treat other submissives like shit. Human beings aren’t that great to one another as a general rule of thumb, and social media only makes things worse. I know from experience that submissives can be incredibly competitive with one another and it’s easy to get carried away in the ‘my butt plug is sparklier than yours’ competition.
So naturally, someone throwing around a loaded term like ‘alpha’ as they shit on the cornflakes of other submissives can lead to an all-out shaming war. Here’s the thing, though…
Just because someone is an asshole does not mean you get to dictate their sexual identity.
At the same time, there’s no excuse to be cruel or judgmental to others. Kink-shaming is not a kink, as you may well know. So this writing isn’t about kinksters who think they are better than everyone else. Much like the other trolls of the internet (and of real-life events), I recognize the damage that they do to the exploration and growth of a healthy community.
This writing instead addresses an oftentimes overlooked consequence of using alpha sub in the way described above. It looks at the other alpha submissives, the ones who shyly express that they are drawn to the role, and are ridiculed before they can even explain why.
A number of theories exist in the kink realm about what alpha submission is and why someone would use the role to describe themselves. Here are a few that I’ve heard and read about:
Alpha submissives all claim they are these strong personalities outside of kink and that they choose to submit to a Dominant who has earned their submission. That’s what every submissive does! You aren’t an alpha; you’re just a sub!
Using ‘alpha’ implies that these subs think they’re better than the rest of us!
Alpha subs are just insecure and lack self-esteem, so they feel better when they put this meaningless quantifier on their role.
Now for a little history lesson. The term ‘alpha submissive’ was coined in the context of a Dominant who has a group of submissives (e.g., ‘harem’). The relationship between the Dominant and their subs is hierarchical, and the alpha submissive has pre-negotiated amounts of power over the rest of the submissives in the group. In leather communities, the alpha sub may have the most seniority or experience, thereby making them a de-facto leader of sorts for the others in the harem. This does not mean that they see themselves as better than any other submissive. Nevertheless, this is oftentimes the biggest critique of the alpha submissive role.
Your kink is not my kink and it’s not okay.
Because of the negative connotations associated with alpha submissive in today’s kinky society, the vast majority of submissives take issue with someone who uses this label. They see it as an insult, both to their own value as a submissive and to their personality and characteristics outside of kink.
In these instances, it doesn’t seem to matter that the individual taking on the title of alpha submissive is doing so because it’s a role that they are called to. It doesn’t matter that the action of calling themselves alpha submissive has literally zero impact on the real lives of the submissives who take offense and are outside of that person’s kinky relationships. And what most of the critics fail to realize is this: It really doesn’t matter at all if someone calls themselves an alpha submissive if you are not directly involved in a dynamic with that individual. They can call themselves whatever the hell they want to.
The entire point of the phrase “Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay” is to respect the personal choices of others engaging in consensual kinky activities with people who are not you.
This does not mean that every alpha thinks they are better than every other submissive. Sure, a scene might involve co-Topping of a submissive by the alpha and the Dominant, but the idea that an alpha sub is some conceited individual couldn't be further from the truth.
And now for my confession. I feel called to the alpha submissive role.
I carry shame about wanting to use the label. Shame that comes from nowhere else but within the kink community itself. I cannot share that I am an alpha submissive on social media or pretty much anywhere in my real life because I’m tired of having to defend my right to use whatever labels I want as a means for identifying my kinks.
Alpha submissive speaks to me, because I have fantasies of being one. It’s on my kink bucket list to be an alpha sub over more than one other submissive. I have experienced a scene where there were two submissives (myself and one other), along with a Dominant…and I was alpha. It reignited my desire to explore this dynamic in depth. I enjoy being dominant over another submissive whilst also being dominated by someone else. In fact, I enjoy the hell out of it.
Sadly, it’s one role that will remain closeted until I know for certain that the kinksters I’m with will respect my choice to use the term. It’s so unfortunate to experience shame and embarrassment about taking on a role within a community that is meant to be accepting of every person’s decision. I’ll continue to cultivate my alpha submissive personality, but the real shame lies in the fact that I have to hide it from the very community that created the concept.
About the Author: SubtleShadow is a queer, poly, sadomasochist and playful kinkster with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a desire to explore all of it.
