References in Kink & BDSM
If you’ve ever vetted someone as a play partner, you may have come across the concept of asking for references.
The scene is a bit divided on whether references are worth the trouble; after all, couldn’t you just have a buddy of yours pretend to be a former partner? But there can be value in this practice, and we’ll explore a few of the pros and cons of references in this article.
What Are “References” in the Kink Community?
If you’ve ever had a crush on someone, you might’ve asked their close friends how they are as a partner: do they seem reliable or trustworthy? References in kink are kind of like this.
As part of the vetting process, a potential playmate might provide the names of a few current or former partners who are open to providing their thoughts on the person’s ethics, safety, and approach to play. This can be a useful risk mitigation tool especially for high-risk scenes like rope suspension, breath play, or intense power exchange, you might ask to speak to someone they’ve played with before. Former and current partners can provide valuable insight into how someone handles negotiation, safety, aftercare, and whether they’re actually as experienced (and respectful) as they claim.
Considerations for Using References in Kink & BDSM
So are references really that valuable? It depends on who you ask. Some kinksters swear by their importance while others may not see them as an essential component of vetting. The choice is ultimately yours, but here are some pros and cons to consider:
Pros
Safety Through Community: References can help identify patterns and avoid continued predation by someone in the scene who seeks to harm others. Especially if someone has a history of boundary-pushing, ghosting, or unsafe behavior, it’s good to be in the know.
Adds Depth to Vetting: No matter how great someone looks on paper, hearing about their play style and communication habits from someone else can be eye-opening.
Normalizes Accountability: When references are common practice, it encourages everyone to show up with integrity.
Cons
Biased or Cherry-Picked: Most people won’t hand over a reference who had a bad experience. You’re not going to get a list of exes whose consent was violated.
Privacy and Outing Concerns: Not everyone wants their name connected to another kinkster, especially in scenes that include sensitive or taboo topics.
Subjective Experiences: What feels like a red flag to one person may have been an agreed-upon kink for another. One person’s “He didn’t check in enough” is another’s “That’s exactly how I wanted it.”
References can be helpful, but they’re not foolproof. When doing your own vetting, remember to listen to your gut and stick to your boundaries.
Questions to Ask a Kink Reference
If you’d like to speak with someone’s former or current partners, it’s important to first ensure you have consent. In the interest of respecting people’s privacy, it’s best practice not to reach out to someone who didn’t offer to be a reference. In other words, your potential partner will provide the names of people who might be expecting your call.
Once you’ve got a willing reference, the conversation doesn’t have to be awkward. It can happen over the phone, over text, or in whatever medium feels most comfortable for you. Some questions to ask might include:
What kind of scene(s) did you do with them?
How was the negotiation process?
Did they respect your limits?
How was their aftercare?
Would you play with them again?
Did anything come up that made you uncomfortable, even if it wasn’t a full red flag?
Pay attention not just to the answers but to how they're delivered. Hesitations, vague responses, or dodged questions can speak volumes.
What to Say as a Kink Reference
If someone asks you to be a reference for a former partner or playmate, you have a few things to consider.
Only Say Yes If You’re Comfortable: Being a reference doesn’t mean you have to relive an awkward scene or spill every detail; it just means you’re willing to vouch for the person in some capacity. But if you’re not up for it, you’re absolutely allowed to decline.
Respect Privacy and Consent: Stick to what’s yours to share. Don’t divulge someone else’s kinks, medical conditions, or private dynamics. Keep it relevant and consensual.
Don’t Exaggerate: This can go both directions. There’s no need to gush about a person just as much as there isn’t a need to paint them as a villain (unless they really did you significant harm). Be honest about the limits of your experience with someone. It's totally okay to say, “We didn’t play in that area, so I can't speak to that.”
Alternatives to Traditional References
Not everyone is comfortable with formal references, and that’s okay. Some kinksters find alternative forms of vetting more useful, such as:
Mutuals in the community: Ask around (discreetly) if others have seen this person at events or know of them.
Watching them play: If you're at a party or public dungeon, see how they negotiate and interact with partners.
Low-risk “test” scenes: Start with something short and simple, like a few minutes of impact play, before diving into a complex dynamic.
Overall, references can be a helpful tool in the kinky vetting toolkit, but they aren’t a guarantee of someone’s safety. Like safewords and negotiations, they only work if everyone’s honest, respectful, and aware of their own limits.
