Vetting Potential Play Partners

In kink, vetting is the process of determining whether or not someone feels like a safe play partner and a good fit for you. 

Vetting involves asking questions, having candid and frank conversations about kink and BDSM, and taking the time to get to know another person.

As with most things in life, figuring out what to say or ask in such situations isn’t really as intimidating as may seem. Practically, all the components of a kinky relationship are equivalent to those of a vanilla one... minus the kink, of course. 

For example, healthy kinky relationships are built on key concepts like mutual trust, respecting boundaries, clear communication, and consent. As with vanilla relationships, kinky partners might have disagreements or struggles, but equal effort put into overcoming these obstacles will strengthen the relationship in the future.

Ultimately, the reason for asking kink-related questions of potential partners is to narrow down what it is a person wants out of that relationship, and what they expect of you. 

The only wrong answers are ones that don’t fit with what you are looking for (or ones that make you feel unsafe with that person). When it comes to kink, one person’s “meh” is another person’s fetish, so be sure the questions you’re asking are framed in a curious manner rather than a judgmental one.

Questions to ask a potential kinky play partner:

• If I decide to meet you, are you prepared to tell me ahead of time your full name, phone number, and work or home address?

• Are you willing to meet with me at a public location, potentially more than once, if I feel it's needed?

• Do you have any health conditions, sexual or otherwise, that I should be aware of?

• How long have you been in the lifestyle? Do you think you’ve changed since you started exploring?

• What are your top kinks and fetishes? 

• What are your hard limits? What are your soft limits?

• What are some things you haven't tried, but would like to?

• Do you enjoy vanilla sex?

• Have you ever experienced Dom/subspace? 

  • If so, how would you describe it? 

  • Have you ever been unable to speak when in Dom/subspace? What happened?

  • If the experience was enjoyable, what caused it?

• Have you ever seen/experienced drop?

  • If so, how did you handle it?

  • If not, how would you like it to be handled if it happens to one of us?

• How many Doms/subs have you had?

  • Why did the dynamic end?

• Do you have a favorite scene you've done?

• What is your stance on the use of punishment in a dynamic?

  • Do you use/enjoy punishment?

  • If so, what forms do you use/enjoy?

While the examples above are mostly D/s specific, these are the types of questions that should be asked across roles and labels. Most of these can be tailored to your given interests. 

These questions aren’t meant to be comprehensive, and they may not even apply to some situations. Ultimately, the goal in providing these is to offer you as a starting point for assessing the safety of a partner as well as discussing the types of kinks that interest both of you.

If you’re not comfortable enough to talk candidly with potential playmates about what you are into, you should wait to act on those desires. 

Failure to communicate is not only unfair to your play partner, but it increases the chance of being put into a dangerous situation for both of you. As such, you should expect any potential partner to ask you similar questions to those above - if they’re not asking questions of you, or aren’t interested in your answers, it’s a red flag.

If you’re concerned about whether or not a kinky person is safe to play with, take some time to consider why you’re feeling this way, and return to the conversation again with fresh eyes. If you still aren’t sure, ask a like-minded friend for their opinion on your situation.

However you approach these conversations, be sure that you’re mindful of your needs and those of your partner, and allow yourself to be open and honest in what you are looking for.