Good Kink Vs Bad Kink
One of the biggest misconceptions of kink and BDSM is that it’s abuse.
Stories of modern slavery, sex trafficking, and sexual assault are sadly commonplace in the news today, and the association with kink and BDSM practices means that many people in the vanilla world see kink and BDSM as dangerous, abusive, and wrong.
Is liking kink or having a fetish “bad”?
Those who practise BDSM with pride and sincerity are often tarred with the same brush as abusers. Whilst there are those who do abuse the lifestyle, that doesn’t make kink itself “bad”. What makes a kink bad within lifestyle practices is not just what’s being done, but how and why it’s being done.
If my partner likes kinky sex, is it ok?
We’d love to say that consent covers everything, but we don’t make the law, and we’re not going to say it’s that simple.
Let’s say you’re reported for assault by a neighbour who’s seen the bruising on your partner’s body and heard the sounds of a spanking one too many times. Does it matter that you and your partner are both lovers of the BDSM lifestyle?
It’s a difficult question to answer, because different countries view the practice of BDSM in their own way.
In Italy, it’s down to the judge presiding over the case; get a judge that’s iffy about BDSM, and you’re dancing a fine line of criminality.
In the United Kingdom, the law does not recognise consent to actual bodily harm. That means that if charges are brought against you, there’s a strong chance shit could go downhill, even if your partner argues consent. There are also “extreme pornography” laws, prohibiting images or video depicting acts which threaten a person’s life, acts which result, or are likely to result, in serious injury to a person’s anus, breasts or genitals, as well as prohibiting images or video depicting necrophilia, bestiality, and rape or assault by penetration. The caveat of UK extreme pornography law is that it only applies where it's reasonable to believe the persons or animals involved are real.
In the United States, it gets even murkier. No federal blanket law exists, but rather each individual state decides whether an act which causes injury is a criminal offense. Sadism and masochism are still classified as a mental disorders under the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5, but BDSM activities where no harm or distress is caused are exempt. It’s also worth mentioning that in the USA, there are no privacy laws which protect your kink identity in lawsuits. This means that child custody battles or divorces can get very nasty, very quickly.
In Germany, BDSM is not generally criminalised, but there are specific acts which are covered by the criminal code individually, like sexual assault, coercion, and false imprisonment.
Other countries have their own tricky loopholes, so whilst it’s not always illegal to indulge in the lifestyle, bear in mind that anything we do in the lifestyle can be considered assault if someone withdraws their consent - even years down the line. There are numerous cases where this has happened, so the only advice we can offer is to be mindful, be aware, and be sure.
There are groups around the world that fight for the right to practice consensual BDSM. Sexual Freedom is an important movement, and pretty critical to ensuring that kinksters aren’t sued, or imprisoned, for doing what they want to do. While defendants might argue the existence of a pre-negotiated contract, BDSM contracts are not legally permissible in any court of law.
What kinks and fetishes are against the law?
Boy, oh boy. It doesn’t get any clearer the deeper you delve.
Of course, there are several sexual practices which are illegal across most of the world; acting upon impulses such as incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, or rape are generally criminalised. Acts like snuff, crushing, and scat are also illegal, as is the distribution of related pornography in many countries.
But then it all gets a bit more… strange.
In certain states in the US, the sale of sex toys is illegal, as is oral sex, and anal
In many countries, sex outside of marriage is illegal
Rough sex is deemed assault in many countries
That last one alone is a key example of hurt vs harm. It’s an argument of ethics over morality; a lot of people in the lifestyle are driven by morality, but what harms someone may not necessarily be what hurts them.
What makes kink “bad”?
Unless you’re breaking a law in your country (or the country you’re in at the time), there’s nothing that clearly defines good or bad kinks and fetishes.
Consent is a factor - and in liberal countries, that’s really all that matters in the eyes of the law. Unless it’s a truly criminalised act, like those highlighted above, it’s not a black and white matter.
As consenting adults, what makes a kink bad within a scene or dynamic is at you and your partners’ discretion, and if it’s what those involved like, want, and need, it’s difficult to qualify if it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
More often than not, the reason kink is viewed negatively is a lack of understanding. It’s ingrained into society to be ashamed of something that doesn’t meet a standard; your sexual proclivities are no exception to this, and it’s reinforced time and again in the media.
Does the media help people understand kink & BDSM?
We have to be honest; kink and BDSM are not painted in the best light through the media.
News outlets will fan the flames with stories like those of Armie Hammer, or Marilyn Manson, or Marc Bolan.
Films like Fifty Shades made BDSM more acceptable in the mainstream, but it wasn’t an accurate or healthy representation of the subculture. Dominants are not stalkers, they’re not possessive, dangerous assholes, and they’re not rapists. Submissives are not easily led doormats, nor do they seek to change every dominant or sadistic man into a different being. Secretary didn’t portray dominance much better; it was darker and more domineering, but it still didn’t cover the nuances and styles of kink and BDSM with as much diversity as there is.
Conversely, novels like The Story of O by Anne Desclos are considered to be far more positive representations - but what’s prevalent in most cases is that it’s female submission to male dominance, and that’s not a fair or accurate representation. Male submissives are under-represented in the media, and the common understanding of kink and BDSM suffers as a result.
Generally, when sadism is presented in the media, it’s often a psychopathic murderer. When masochism is presented, it’s often a result of Stockholm Syndrome, or a preference to change the beast, or some form of retribution. When Dominance and submission are represented, it’s commonly a male dominant exerting power over a weak female. This makes kink and BDSM seem all the more taboo, and it’s inaccurate at best.
In short, learning about kink and BDSM from the media is not the place to do it.
Kinksters aren’t dangerous cannibals, they’re not pathological rapists, and they’re not trying to harm themselves or their partners - though there will always be exceptions. They’re not as few and far between as they ought to be, but the same can be said for the vanilla world.
What marks the difference between good and evil in the world is intent, and kink and BDSM are no different - good and bad are rooted in the choices we make.
