Overcoming The Shame Of Being Kinky
Every kinkster’s personal journey is unique, but the feeling of shame is one of the most common obstacles we consider acting on our fantasies.
Even kinksters who have been active in the lifestyle for years can have bouts of shame, brought on by a newly discovered fetish, the doxxing (or outing) of their kinkiness, or simply by an otherwise innocuous factor of mainstream culture.
Shame (ˈshām), Noun
1 a: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety
b: the susceptibility to such emotion
2: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
3a: something that brings censure or reproach
also : something to be regretted
b: a cause of feeling shame
Source: Webster’s Dictionary
If you’re ashamed of being kinky, it’s important to understand the history behind those feelings and why they’re there.
What is sex positivity?
Kink and BDSM have found themselves under the banner of sex positivism, with many in the movement emphasizing vital concepts like consent, communication, and education.
The concept of sex positivity has its origins the works of psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich, a revolutionary voice in late 1920s and 1930s whose exploration of sex and the human mind became the foundation for the “free love” movements of the 1960s.
More recently, the term “sex positive” has gained traction in the Trump era as the LGBTIQ+ community and their allies voiced support for exploration of one’s personal sexuality and gender, free of discrimination and hate.
Of course sex positivity has its haters, and “sex negative” individuals do exist.
The Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) have shaped the societal landscape of Europe and the Americas for hundreds of years, and show no sign of slowing down anytime soon.
As late as 2020, the United Kingdom still allowed for women to have "virginity repair" surgery, which was predominantly sought out by Muslim women who feared the shame of being disowned should their family discover they had sex before marriage.
In the United States, there are still a many states that outlaw sodomy and threaten imprisonment for something as seemingly innoucuous as consensual spankings between adults.
And while faiths such as Hinduism include ritualized sexual activities in sacred texts, most well-known of which is the Kama Sutra, the reality is that most of Hindu culture mirrors the Puritanical undercurrents of Western society, thanks in large part to the colonization of India by the British in the late 1850s.
Combine society’s tendency to view sex as shameful with false assumpions that kinky people are murderous, insane individuals, and it’s only natural that people feel conflicted about their kink fantasies.
How To Overcoming Shame in Kink & BDSM
Recognise that you aren’t alone if you feel ashamed of being kinky
If a “kink” is defined as something that an individual views as outside of “normal” behavior, the number of ways in which people as a whole are kinky is quite literally as infinite as it is diverse. Given that the examples below involved individuals who were willing to speak about their sexuality, it’s not beyond reason to assume that there are more folks who think that what you happen to be into is awesome, too. A study published in “The Journal of Sex Research” in 2017 surveyed 1,040 individuals and found that 45% of them expressed a desire for one or more kinky acts, with 33% having acted on them.
Another study conducted in 2014 asked around 1,500 people to rank 55 sexual fantasies ranging from threesomes to bondage to impact play. The findings? Only 2 of those fantasies were considered “statistically rare” (2.3% or less), 15 were “unusual” (15.9% or less), 30 were deemed “common” (more than 50%), and 5 were “typical” (more than 84.1%).
Understand why you feel ashamed of being kinky
Not to get all psychoanalytic on you here, but there’s more than likely some good reasons for why you’re hesitant to act on your fantasies.
Whether it’s due to past traumas, a conservative upbringing, or some other aspects of your life, it’s difficult to be happy if you’re constantly feeling shame about your kink or BDSM interests.
Getting a hold on why those feelings are there, and exploring them (with a licensed professional if needed), will go a long way towards getting you past those negative emotions.
Engage with other kinky people near you or in an online community
While kink and BDSM groups have the potential to be self-affirming and empowering spaces where you can express your opinions openly without fear of being chastised, it’s important to understand that not everyone is active in such groups, and that’s okay.
Sometimes the best way to feel better about a situation is to get the input of others who have been through something similar. The level of involvement one wants to take in a local kink scene is completely up to that person.
Some people find empowerment through online conversations, maintaining their “real identities” in secret, whilst discussing their kinky thoughts and feelings with others.
Whether you decide to engage in person or virtually, doing so can go a long way towards helping overcome the shame of being kinky.
Understand that any shame you feel is a natural response
Chances are, the society in which you were raised has had a big impact on whether or not you feel shame about being kinky, whether that’s because you’re a submissive male, or a woman in multi-partner dynamics, or any other kink or fetish you might have.
Take your time as you begin to explore kink and BDSM, and always recognize that your feelings are valid and worthy of thoughtful exploration.
Learning to love the kinky things about yourself can take time, and everyone works at their own pace.
