Negotiations
Admittedly, there are too few resources out there on what negotiation of a scene actually looks like, how these conversations are “supposed” to happen, or what types of questions to ask.
Many kinksters are intimidated by this vital component of kinky play. Hopefully the breakdown below will give you a few basics for your first kink or BDSM negotiation.
Start by thinking about what you want
The task of negotiation is actually quite simple, despite how intimidating it may seem.
Ask yourself a few questions first:
What do you want to do?
Do you want your partner to do something to you or vice-versa? What exactly does that look like in your head?
What are you hoping to experience or feel during a scene? For example, do you want to be afraid, aroused, amused?
Once you’ve got a basic idea, build out the scene in a way that makes sense to you
Will there be any impact play? If so, what do you want to use or have used on you?
Will the scene involve power exchange? If so, in what ways?
Do you want to have pentrative sex, or simply play around in other ways?
Where would you ideally like the scene to take place?
Discussing a kink or BDSM scene with your partner(s)
Now that you’ve got an idea of what you want to happen, and you have a loose concept in your head of how those things will occur, it’s time to talk it out.
If you’re the one approaching your partner, do so with respect and a willingness to answer questions. Ask if they’d be interested in what you’re thinking about. Be open to their feedback, but don’t compromise in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
It’s important to be sensitive to your partner’s limits just as much as your own.
If you’re the one being approached, the choice to engage in play with someone is completely up to you. Under no circumstances should you ever feel pressured to do something you’re not comfortable doing. Openly ask questions and discuss areas where you need clarification. Remember that kink-shaming is very frowned upon in the kink community, so if you’re not into all of the things your partner is suggesting, a kind declination is all that is needed.
In terms of covering every single hard and soft limit or boundary you and your partner have, the best rule of thumb is to assume that anything not explicitly discussed during your negotiations is off the table for the scene you’re creating together.
Negotiating Safety in Kink & BDSM
Here’s where we get to the meat of negotiation.
Once you and your partner have both agreed to what the scene will entail, there are a few final considerations that need to be addressed.
What will the safeword be? Will it be a physical motion or a verbalized word? If you’re using a word, will you have more than one (such as red and yellow)?
Do you have an emergency/safety plan in place?
What are the aftercare needs of you and your partner?
Download a blank copy of this template to indicate areas which are hard limits (red), soft limits (yellow), or areas you like to be touched (green). Circle any key areas.
Can a kink or BDSM scene be re-negotiated?
Prior to a kink or BDSM scene taking place, you absolutely have every right to re-negotiate. You can even decide that you don’t want to do it anymore, and that’s okay.
Whilst you can absolutely safeword to slow down or end the scene once it’s begun, we strongly advise against re-negotiating in the middle of a scene.
Kinksters aren’t in the frame of mind to make such decisions. We’re either horny, exhausted, aroused, or any other myriad of emotions that is not our baseline state of mind.
As such, what might seem like a rational decision in the moment could result in very real harm after the scene is over.
Typically, once you’ve negotiated a kink or BDSM scene, the only thing left to do is enjoy yourself.
Unless negotiations happen immediately prior to a scene, it’s best to touch base with your partner before jumping in to confirm safeword, consent, and a rough outline of what you’ll be doing.
After that, just have a good time.
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