How To Behave At A Kinky Play Party
Attending a kink play party can be both exciting and intimidating.
Like many subcultures, the kink realm has many unspoken rules and expectations regarding how a person should behave. When it comes to public engagements with other kinksters, however, those rules and expectations are typically explicitly stated.
As an ethical kinkster (and decent human being), it’s important to respect whatever rules have been put in place by the host.
While this isn't a fully comprehensive list, many of the kink rules below are commonly listed by dungeons and play party hosts alike.
What to Do at a Kink Party
Kink parties have their own set of rules; read them and follow them.
Ask questions if anything is unclear, discuss anything you’re unsure of with the Dungeon Master (DM)/host or with other attendees.
Respect a space or area that is off-limits. This is especially important with regards to dungeon furniture (i.e., St. Andrews Cross, rigging beams, etc.) if you've not been cleared to use it, as well as areas that may be designated for private scenes/play.
Follow the dress code. It’s likely there may be stages of undress as the evening progresses, but there may also be rules and protocols to follow with regards to this.
If you’re not shown during a tour, ask where you can change into or out of party attire and where you can keep your personal effects.
Speak with the DM or host before bringing anything to sell. Parties are common venues for craftspeople of all types to show off or even sell their kinky wares (impact implements, leather accessories, clothing, etc). Just be sure to get the okay before the party begins.
If a submissive is collared, ask if you can speak with them. If they aren't allowed to speak to you, they'll defer to their Dominant - this may even be nonverbally by pointing to their D-type if they're not allowed to speak themselves.
Talk with their Dominant before continuing: some Dominants have rules regarding who their submissive interacts with, and these protocols should be respected.
Communicate your own boundaries with other attendees and don’t presume others know them. If someone asks, be polite, but clear.
Boundaries matter in kink just as much as any other realm.
It’s okay to be curious, but be respectful and considerate
Keep critiques to yourself, both while observing a scene and during interactions with others. Remember: just because it may not be your kink doesn’t mean others are wrong for enjoying it. If you're asked for feedback, be honest and respectful.
Be patient when waiting to use dungeon furniture. Sometimes there's a line to use a particular piece; enjoy the scenes until it's your turn.
Clean up after yourself and sanitize surfaces, furniture, and equipment after a scene. Have your own disinfectants/towels and don’t presume the host will provide them.
After a scene concludes, approach those who were involved and enquire politely if you could ask some questions if you want to know more; perhaps you want to know about the planning, the dynamic, the execution of a particular activity. Many public players are happy to share their insight - just remember to wait until their scene is over.
What Not To Do at a Kink Party
Don’t violate consent. Seriously.
Don’t touch anyone without permission. Ever. If you remember no other rule, etch this one into your psyche. Play parties will include people in various stages of undress or in kink attire - this is not an open invitation to touch, grope, caress, hug, or kiss them. Breaking this rule can be immediate grounds for removal from the party and more than likely will get you banned from future events.
Violating consent goes beyond scenes with a play partner. For example, if someone gives consent to inspect and touch their freshly acquired marks after a scene, this is not carte blanche to touch them elsewhere, nor is it an open ticket to touch them repeatedly throughout the evening.
Never presume everyone is at the party to play. Many parties include individuals who want to simply observe the night’s proceedings. Just like you, they are under no obligation to participate in any scene.
Never touch anyone’s belongings, including implements, without permission.
Don’t be a creeper
Avoid fixating on a single person or group. While it's common for people to connect at a play party, the purpose of a play party is not to find play partners. It's to engage in and observe scenes while interacting with the dungeon members. Likewise, avoid becoming cliquish - instead, mingle with various people at the party regardless of their side of the slash. Interact, engage, have conversations.
Don’t take photos or video of scenes or partygoers unless you have permission from all parties involved. If permission is granted, use discretion and do not share or post photos/videos unless express permission has been given. Everyone has an expectation of and right to privacy, and it's their choice how their kinky lifestyle is shared. Many play spaces and dungeons prohibit photographs to be taken on the premises at all.
(Obviously) don’t steal from other attendees. Don't leave the party with anything you didn't bring, buy, or that was given to you.
Don’t be loud
Be quiet and respectful if you’re watching a scene. A large part of participating in a scene is being in the proper mindset, and the last thing a person wants while going into a given headspace is to listen to someone who won’t shut the hell up. Their focus needs to be on the scene; don’t interrupt.
Leave your distractions at home. Your observation of the scene is an invitation - show respect by providing your undivided attention. If you’re not interested in the scene, step away and go to the common room, if available.
Play party etiquette boils down to three things: be respectful, ask questions, and use common sense.
Arming yourself with these and the above guidelines will help make your dungeon party a pleasant and rewarding experience.
