Rules, Protocols, & Expectations
As we’ve mentioned before, you and your partner can create any type of power dynamic that you wish, provided everyone is on board with the basic tenets of that relationship. In power exchange, these tenets are called the rules, expectations, and protocols.
What is a rule in BDSM?
In BDSM power exchange dynamics, a rule is an explicit and understood principle that governs a component of the power dynamic.
While rules have traditionally been proposed by the Dominant partner and negotiated between parties, a submissive can certainly bring their own desired rules to the table. In D/s contracts, these rules are a key component listed out after being first negotiated and agreed upon by both parties. Rules can vary in their level of strictness and frequency.
For example, a Dominant may instill a rule that their submissive must always refer to them with an honorific (e.g., Sir, Ma’am, etc.). A Dominant could also require that their submissive always wear a collar or representation of their submission, such as an anklet or subtle piece of jewellery. These rules are intended to deepen the bond between a Dominant and submissive, and for many are a key component to acting on their power exchange kink.
What are protocols in BDSM?
Protocols are the enacted procedures or behaviours that govern various aspects of the power dynamic. In other words, protocols are composed of rules.
Protocols are negotiated between the Dominant and submissive in the given dynamic and can vary depending on different settings or venues. For example, how a submissive behaves around their Dominant when alone with them in their home can be quite different from how they behave in a ‘vanilla’ setting or at a kink event.
Protocols also depend on the degree to which the Dominant has control in the relationship or scene and how many rules are in place as a result.
High protocol is a style of power exchange in which the submissive is expected to follow a strict etiquette in regard to how they interact with their Dominant (and in some cases, other Dominants).
Low protocol by contrast is more informal and casual, with less prescribed rules or expected behaviours.
Examples of high protocol include:
A submissive must always refer to their Dominant with an honorific (even in vanilla settings)
A submissive may not speak unless spoken to by their Dominant
A submissive must always walk behind their Dominant
A submissive must ask permission to use the bathroom
A submissive may not speak to other Dominants without the express permission of their D-type
A submissive must assume a specific position when their Dominant comes home from work, gets ready for bed, or any other agreed-upon moment in time
Examples of low protocol include:
A submissive refers to their Dominant with an honorific only in private or when a scene is at play
A submissive only follows the rules when a scene is in motion but doesn’t have to abide by any of them once the scene is over
A submissive can approach and speak to other people, including Dominants, without the permission of their D-type
A submissive is able to come and go as they please, without asking permission
What are expectations in BDSM?
In power exchange dynamics, expectations are what you and your partner want out of the relationship or scene.
Every relationship in life comes with expectations. You likely expect your friends to treat you with respect and to be there when you need them. You expect partners to be supportive and emotionally available for you.
The only difference between expectations in those contexts versus in BDSM is that kinky expectations are more likely to be preemptively discussed and agreed upon by both parties.
Whether you choose to have rules, protocols, and expectations interwoven into your scene or relationship is entirely up to you. Most likely, your negotiations will cover these items but may not label them as such.
It’s important to remember that there is no “one true way” when it comes to power exchange or the dynamics inherent in these types of relationships.
