Ways to Say No
While saying “no” to a situation or expectation can be an intimidating prospect, it’s important to remember that your feelings are your own, and they are valid.
We’ve covered the importance of consent, but what about the other side of the coin? Saying no can feel intimidating, but it’s important to remember that your feelings are valid. Saying no is just as important as saying yes.
Consent is the foundation of kink. Recognising your worth and being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t want or need is fundamental to building trust in your own decisions, as well as with partners.
Much like anything else, learning to say “no” can take time and practice, especially if you aren’t accustomed to saying it.
What’s perhaps most important is learning to recognise when to say no, as well as how.
Knowing when to say no
Try answering the following questions as honestly as you can:
What are my core values and beliefs?
Does saying yes in this situation go against any of them?
How will saying yes in this scenario make me feel?
Will saying yes be good or bad for my mental health?
In the past, how did I feel about saying yes when I didn’t really mean it?
If your answers to these questions all point you in the direction of saying no, it’s a good indicator you shouldn’t say yes.
Effective ways to say no
Just say “no”
This may seem obvious, but for many individuals, simply saying no can be difficult. Learning to say no practice. Being clear about what you feel is not only your personal responsibility, but also the kindest thing you can do. Mixed messages can lead to hurt feelings.
Be assertive when you say no
This doesn’t mean you have to be rude, but stand by your decision. Speak factually and assert yourself. Saying no should be enough for the other person to accept, and if they push you to do something even when you’ve said no, they probably aren’t safe to play with anyway. You have nothing to apologise for, and you don’t have to justify your feelings or the reasons for saying no.
Remember your emotions and needs matter
Setting boundaries can sometimes be easier to do than holding firm to them. But it’s ok to be selfish. While the situation might feel uncomfortable or tense, your feelings will only worsen if you choose to do something that you don’t want to in order to keep someone else from hurting.
You may feel intimidated or threatened by someone in situations where emotions are charged, especially in situations where you have ceded power - such as in D/s dynamics, but you always have the right to say no. Never let someone tell you that you don’t have a choice. You always have a choice.
