How to Say No

While saying “no” to a situation or expectation can be an intimidating prospect, it’s important to remember that your feelings are your own, and they are valid. 

Much like anything else, learning to say “no” can take time and practice, especially if you aren’t accustomed to saying it. 

What’s perhaps most important is learning to recognise when to say no, as well as how.

How Do I Know If I Should I Say No?

If you aren’t sure whether to say no, ask yourself the following questions, and answer them as honestly as you can.

• How will saying yes in this scenario make me feel?

• What are my core values and beliefs? Does saying yes in this situation go against any of them?

• Will saying yes be good for my mental health or will it make things worse for me?

• In the past, how did I feel saying yes when I didn’t really mean it?

If your answers to these questions all point you in the direction of saying no, trust your intuition.

You may feel intimidated or threatened by someone in situations where emotions are charged, especially in situations where you have ceded power - such as in D/s dynamics, but you always have the right to say no. Never let someone tell you that you don’t have a choice. Kink and BDSM are grounded in consent.

Download a Copy

How To Say No (in Kink & BDSM):

Just say “no”

This may seem obvious, but for many individuals, simply saying “no” can be difficult. But being crystal clear about what you feel is not only your personal responsibility, it’s also the kindest thing you can do both for yourself and for the person asking. Mixed messages can often lead to hurt feelings (and sometimes worse).

Be assertive when you say “no”

This doesn’t mean you have to be rude, but stand by your decision. Remember that you have nothing to apologise for, and you don’t have to justify your feelings or the reasons for why you are saying no.

Remember your emotions and needs matter

Set and stand by your personal boundaries; it’s okay to be selfish. Speak factually and avoid beating around the bush. While the situation might feel uncomfortable or tense, your feelings will only worsen if you choose to do something that you don’t want to in order to keep someone else from hurting.

In the kink world, speaking your needs and wants is not only expected, but encouraged. Consent is at the foundation of everything we do as kinksters.

Recognizing your worth and being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t want will strengthen the trust you have in your own feelings, as well as the trust your play partners have in you.