Consent Is Everything in Kink & BDSM

The ability to recognise that consensual kinky activities are not “bad” or “wrong” is one of the most significant aspects of being kinky.

What makes consent so important in kink & BDSM?

The answer’s easy: if someone doesn’t want you to do something to them, and they tell you they don’t want you to do that thing, but you do it anyway, that’s not kink or BDSM. That’s assault.

Consent is important to kinksters because it divides us from the villains we are often paired with in the mainstream media. As a society, we are told time and again that hitting someone is “wrong,” calling someone a derogatory name is “wrong”, you are a “bad” person if you like things that don’t align with the worldview of those around you. 

But, what mainstream society forgets to mention in these claims is that such things are bad and wrong because they lack consent. 

What does consent mean?

There are three types of consent that are recognized by pretty much everyone, regardless of whether or not you’re a kinkster: express consent, informed consent, and implied consent.

Let’s break these down one by one.

Example of Express Consent

If you want to make a kinkster happy, all it takes is a genuine, positive, and enthusiastic “yes!”

Express consent is direct communication, either spoken or written, that one person gives to another. 

In the context of kink, here’s an example:

Person A: I’d really love to spank you. Would you be interested in something like that? Person B: I think I’d like that, but I don’t know for sure. How hard will you spank me? Person A: Why don’t we start slowly? I’ll spank you as gently as I can, and we build from there. Person B: I think going slowly works best for me. I would love to be spanked by you! Person A: Woo-hoo! Spanking ensues much to the delight of both parties.

In this example, Person A expressed something they’d like to do to Person B. After a few clarifications, Person B expressly said “yes”.  There you have it, folks: express consent.

Example of Informed Consent 

The more informed you are about the risks associated with a given activity, the more authentic and more enthusiastic your consent can be. 

Informed consent is so important that one approach to kink that many kinksters use is P.R.I.C.K. which stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink. 

Let’s provide another kinky example:

Person A and B go through months exploring various aspects of BDSM and impact play. One day, they decide to participate in a form of edge play called knife play. Blood play is a hard limit for both Person A and Person B, so they agree that Person A will only use the knife as a sensual tool, lightly touching the skin and not cutting.Person A has very little knowledge of knives, let alone knife play. When Person A draws the knife across Person B’s skin, they press a little too hard and don’t expect the knife to be as sharp as it is. The knife cuts easily through Person B’s skin and begins to cause bleeding. Whilst the cut won’t result in an extreme loss of blood, they have to stop playing and address the wound.

Not only are both kinksters now having a less-than-stellar kinky experience, but neither of them thought to grab a First Aid Kit before starting this adventure.

In this example, we’ll assume that the injury is small and superficial on a physical level. What’s important to keep in mind however is that blood was a hard limit for both parties, and the lack of a First Aid Kit or knowledge of how to mitigate the risks of knife play lead to an ending that neither party wanted. The odds are that there might even be psychological impacts for both of them.

Informed consent is incredibly important in high-risk kinky activities, which are also called edge play. 

Ideally every kinky activity you engage in, you not only understand the potential consequences, but you have a plan for the worst-case scenario.

Example of Implied Consent

This is not one you’ll see very often, if at all, in the kink community.

The origin of implied consent resides in the United States judicial system, though it is now used more widely. 

In essence, implied consent is an assumption that someone else is open to whatever it is you’re doing. This assumption comes from inferring that person’s body language, physical actions, or inferring consent from their words. Implied consent is not expressly or explicitly provided.

Let’s say you’re on a date with a person you’re interested in.

They express to you how attractive they find you, how wonderful dinner was, how much they’ve enjoyed conversation, or how they’d love to see you again. They might even move their hand to yours.

If you feel the same, you might agree to all that they are saying and squeeze their hand back in return.  You hold hands on the way out of the restaurant, and when you go to part ways, you both pause and meet eyes, moving closer to one another to the point that you or your date lean in for a kiss.

The example above is implied consent, and here’s why it doesn’t quite work within kink and BDSM: The entire kinkverse rests on the shoulders of express and, in the best of cases, enthusiastic and completely informed consent from our partners. 

Ensuring BDSM Activities Are Mutually Consensual

Here are a few tips for ensuring that you have mutual, informed, express consent.

Talk to potential play partners before you rush into an activity

If there’s a kink or fetish that you’re really into, find out as much as you can about it. Then, as you begin to get to know kinksters in the community, ask them if they’re into that thing, too. If one or more of them express interest, explore the possibilities together through clear communication and negotiations. 

If they’re not familiar with this kink or fetish that you’re into and want to try, answer all the questions they may have, and freely offer any potential risks or consequences associated with that activity. If they have questions you don’t know the answer to, make it a fun activity by looking up the answer together.

Remember, even if they say yes, consent can be revoked at any time.

You can spend months talking to them about a scene, but it’s 100% within their rights to say no on the day of the big event. Likewise, they can say no five minutes before the scene, and can say the safeword during the scene. 

This also goes both ways. If you’re unsure about things, you are totally in the right to voice that concern and we really encourage you to do so. Likewise, the safeword is there for anyone’s use within a scene. So if you suddenly feel like you want to stop, safeword and let the scene end.

Consent can seem complicated, but it truly doesn’t have to be. All you have to do is ask.