Shaming by Vanilla People

What kinks and fetishes are shamed the most by those who aren’t kinky?

As it turns out, experiences of shaming from non-kinky people tend to boil down to one simple opinion: identifying as kinky is shameful.

When our respondents were asked what kinks they were shamed for by non-kinky individuals, the answers came back as almost always that their kink identity has been shamed as a whole, as opposed to being shamed for something specific. We repeatedly see phrases in our data such as “all of it”, “everything,” and “just being kinky”. 

Being shamed for participating in S&M activities comes in a close second, followed by power exchange activities in third place. 

Whilst providing a breakdown of overall kink identity would prove difficult to put into more detailed findings, we break S&M activities and power exchange down more specifically by roles.

Kink, by definition, is outside of normal behaviour. For many non-kinky people, this makes it shameful.

Without the facts, judgments are made much more easily. We believe that this type of shaming is prevalent due to the lack of factual information (and the perpetuation of misinformation) on kink and BDSM, combined with its legality and long-standing taboo. But what about S&M?

Aside from simply being kinky, our data shows a high frequency of shaming experiences for physical sadistic and masochistic activities.

Physical S&M is a broad category, and one that covers much more than what is mentioned by our respondents. As a result, the subcategories we list below are not comprehensive of physical S&M, but are a representation of our data:

• Heavy Impact

• Impact Play

• Rough Sex

• Spanking

• Sadism

• Sadomasochism

• Masochism

• Nipple Pain

• Cock & ball torture (CBT)

• Other

When it comes to Physical S&M, impact play is the most shamed kink of all, with generic responses of “sadism” or “masochism” close behind.

Interestingly, the respondent’s side of the slash is not much of a factor for the left or right sides, but is close to 15% more common for those identifying with one or more roles outside of the slash. 

With power exchange seen in media like Fifty Shades, it’s not surprising that it’s not only recognisable by some vanilla people, but also seen as shameful.

What interests us however is the prevalence of Caregiver dynamics in shaming instances when power dynamic activities are broken down into sub-categories. The list below is based on the responses received:

• High Protocol

• Brat Taming & Bratting

• DDlg/MDlb/Cgl

• FemDom

• Oral Worship

• Power Exchange

• D/s

• Other

The stark differences between activities involving what someone might consider the ‘50 Shades’ version of power exchange compared with caregiver dynamics suggests popular culture ascribes a stricter morality standard to some activities and not others in power dynamic-based kinks and fetishes.

Are any kink activities acceptable to vanillas?

We looked at two activities that appear in small numbers across the experiences of vanilla shaming. 

In the mainstream, along with stereotypical furry handcuffs and feathers, the acts of spanking and anal sex (particularly with a female recipient) are typically what a non-kinky person might think of if asked about kink. Because of this, we find it interesting that these are rarely mentioned by our respondents.

In terms of spanking, we see similar numbers for left and right sides, yet mentions of this activity are less prevalent for those outside the slash. The decrease of shaming instances around spanking may support the idea that when it comes to impact play specifically, this type of activity is the most acceptable to non-kinky individuals. 

For anal sex, no one on the giving side of anal mentions this activity as being shamed by vanillas, whilst those inside and those outside the slash report instances of shaming for receiving anal sex. We can’t say for certain that instances of giving anal sex are never shamed; but this is an interesting finding that might be worth more exploration.

Perhaps most fascinating, as we’ll see in the ‘kinksters shaming kinksters’ data, is the language shift in terms of anal play - “anal sex” decreases in frequency and is replaced with the term “pegging”. Gender identity also plays a significant part in such instances of shaming.