Experiences of Shaming in the Kink Subculture
What kinks and fetishes are shamed the most by people who identify as kinky?
When it comes to kinksters shaming other kinksters, the knowledge around “being kinky” becomes more comprehensive. As a result, not only do different opinions develop around how to properly “be kinky”, but the plethora of kinky expressions allows for a more specific, targeted shaming experience.
Power dynamics, edge play, wet & messy (aka WAM), and a category we created for miscellaneous fetishes make it into the top three across every role.
Both the left side and outside the slash ranked high in accounts of ‘Truisms’.
Unlike the results on the vanilla side, the things that get most shamed by other kinksters vary in frequency depending on the role. We’ll go through each of our three role categories - left, right, and outside - to show how varied the experience of shaming can be depending on what role you identify closely with.
Shaming Experiences on the Right Side of the Slash
For the right side of the slash, engaging in power dynamic activities is the most frequently shamed kink, with watersports and edge play coming in second and third respectively.
It’s intriguing to see something as quintessential to BDSM as power dynamics at the top of the list for kinks shamed within the kink subculture, but a closer inspection of the data reveals a somewhat different story:
It’s a subset of power dynamics that pushes this category into first place: Caregiver dynamics.
CG/l (including gendered Dominants and littles) makes up over two-thirds of shaming instances within power dynamics.
As we’ll see, the left side of the slash doesn’t report this level of shaming for their own engagement in CG/l. This suggests that the role of being a little is seen by other kinksters as more “shameful” than being a Caregiver.
Whilst many CG/l relationships don’t involve age play at all, it’s a common misconception in the kink subculture that every dynamic of this nature is a pedophilic or incestuous fantasy of some sort. In actuality, as our article on caregiver dynamics explains, a Caregiver acts as a loving and protective partner to a little who seeks such a companion.
Nevertheless, the pervading stereotypes assume that a little is an adult who acts like a child. As such, it’s perhaps more likely that an individual in the kink world would be shamed for pretending to be a child than for maintaining their identity as an adult.
In the Wet and Messy category, we find shaming to be almost exclusively related to watersports.
On the left side of the slash however, WAM does not make it into the top three. Similarly, in the edge play category, CNC/rape play has a significantly larger percentage of shaming instances - over 55% more frequent.
In other words, being on the receiving end of CNC is viewed by other kinksters as more shameful than being the one enacting it. But why?
As much as kinksters like to think that they’re more welcoming and accepting than the mainstream, there’s no escaping the human condition. Unconscious biases (and conscious ones) aren’t left at the proverbial kinky gates.
The stereotypical submissive - both in mainstream and kink culture - is female. You only need to look at popular media depictions of kink or to the main feed of a kinky social media platform like FetLife to see this in full action. Along with this stereotype comes all the inherent misogyny with it: female submissives are viewed as somehow ‘lesser’ than their male Dominant counterparts, and any male (or other gendered) submissive is viewed as more ‘feminine’.
Whilst kinksters on the right side of the slash do cede power to their left counterpart, this by no means is an indicator of their overall worth or autonomy as human beings.
To kinksters who find fault in another individual’s expression of their fetishes, we’d encourage introspection into what exactly is shameful: the fetish, or what the fetish represents.
Shaming Experiences on the Left Side of the Slash
For the left side of the slash, being subjected to truism is the most common kink shaming experience.
Edge play comes in second place, and third is miscellaneous fetishes.
Truism, also pejoratively called ‘One Twue Way’ or ‘Twuism’, is a term for the belief that there’s only one way to be kinky.
In our data, we categorise truisms as any instance where someone was told they were “too much” or “not enough” of a particular thing to be in that role. For example, “I was told that I was not a Dominant because I didn’t like impact play,” or actions that onlookers or partners judged as counter to the role, such as “I was told that performing oral sex on my submissive was not a Dominant act.”
One potential theory for the prevalence of truisms on the left side is the perceived sense of higher responsibility for the players involved in a scene when on the left side of the slash. After all, the D-types are the ones doing the hitting, receiving the power, and tying the ropes. Whilst the right side absolutely has the responsibility to be a safe partner, the emphasis on the left side here is potentially indicative of an unconscious bias within the kink subculture.
Beginners to kink, especially D-types, are judged in kink communities for trying to jump in too fast - be it through demanding to be called an honorific or expecting that every submissive bow to them.
Across the roles most often subjugated to Truisms, Caregivers (which included Daddies, Mommies, and Caregivers) take up almost a third of the respondents, followed closely by Tops and Dominants.
Edge play (not edging), comes in second place as most frequently shamed for the left side of the slash.
The types of edge play mentioned by respondents in our survey include the following activities: blood play, CNC/rape play, needle play, breath play, and knife play.
Knife play comes out on top as the most shamed activity, which perhaps runs against the wide opinion that CNC and rape play are the most shameful edge play kinks. Needle play is just a percent or two behind knife play in taking the top spot.
The questionable safety of an activity doesn’t justify shaming of such activities, nor should it.
The data suggests that a concerning trend could arise from the shaming of edge play activities that may put those engaging in these kinks at even higher risk. As a general rule of thumb, the more something is shamed, the less likely people are to discuss it, and to collaborate with others on various approaches that might help mitigate risks. To this end, if you’d like to read more about various edge play activities, our risk mitigation guides cover quite a few.
For the left side of the slash, the act of pegging a male partner as well as the act of sissification - or forcibly dressing someone in an overly feminine way - pushes “miscellaneous fetishes” into third place.
Other fetishes mentioned in this category include: age gap fetishes, clowns, crossdressing, and snuff.
Investigating the demographics of this subset of respondents, the top shamed kinks on the left side relate to cis-women as Dominant figures. This speaks to the pervasiveness of sexism even in the kink world, and the data suggests that instances of women inflicting consensual sissification or of pegging their male submissives is a direct threat to the dominant male narrative held in the BDSM lifestyle.
Shaming Experiences Outside the Slash
For kinksters identifying outside of the slash, the most frequent instances of shaming occur in the context of edge play, with wet and messy (WAM) kinks and truisms coming in second and third, respectively.
When these kinks are put into the context of roles outside of the slash, the narrative changes slightly from one focused on the role a kinkster takes in such activities to a shaming of the activity as a whole.
As we mentioned earlier, perceived safety of activities along with moral presuppositions or biases carried into the kinky realm can have negative consequences to our subculture. It’s essential that, as kinksters, we are cognizant of the judgments we bring with us to given activities and explore ways in which to cultivate a culture that is accepting of all kinks and fetishes, regardless of our attraction to them.
When it comes to the concept of ‘how to be kinky’, truisms once again rear their ugly head outside the slash. The largest percentage of kinksters who experienced truisms are switches and sadomasochists.
Playing on both sides of the slash has continued to carry a kinky social stigma through the years. The Old Guard way of doing kink often fell along strict black and white rules. The concept that a person can be “both/and” rather than “either/or” runs against this school of thought.
Whilst some kinksters may still hold to these beliefs, we encourage a more fluid understanding of kink identity, one in which multiple roles can exist and a person can fall across both sides of the slash.
How can shaming be addressed in kink communities?
Whilst kink-shaming will never go away completely, there are steps that kinksters can take to help others feel welcome.
Whether you’re supporting someone else who has been shamed, or simply calling out kink shaming when you see it, helping others feel less alone in their journey is important.
Recognising when your own preconceived notions or biases may be coming into play in how you react to what turns someone else on is also a good exercise in self-awareness and inclusivity.
The phrase “Your Kink is Not My Kink and That’s Okay” really only goes so far. Ultimately, it’s our actions - not our words - that make the biggest impact.
