Freefalling: Abuse in Dynamics
He felt different. He was different. For the first time in my life, I felt seen and understood.
He not only showed interest, he not only listened, but I also completely captivated his attention. He made me feel special, like I stood out like a flower among weeds. I felt desired and beautiful. He showered me with so much love, time, and affection I was swimming in it. Floating at times in his words of affirmation and the tenderness of his touch, it felt so good that even when I saw indications of things that seemed "off," I didn't acknowledge them.
If I asked why he said or did something, he had the perfect answer for everything. When I asked why I needed to cut off certain friends or family to please him, he said it was in my best interest and that I shouldn't worry. It wasn't like he was an abuser trying to isolate me...
There’s no feeling like falling in love - that freefall into someone's arms. The butterflies you get when your phone dings, when you hear their voice, or when they put their arms around you for the first time.
You feel happy and content, curled up with someone who you trust is safe. Add in the layers of a power exchange dynamic, and for me, there is an intimacy and vulnerability not experienced in vanilla relationships. It can be such a beautifully intoxicating experience.
Sometimes though, you can dive off a cliff only to realize that you didn't make sure there was a soft, safe place to land. By then, it's too late. You see the pain you are headed for, and you’re powerless to stop it. His gravity is pulling you down at speed faster than you thought possible.
There are times when you tell yourself it doesn't even matter because you deserve the pain and hurt. Other times you convince yourself that they didn't mean to hurt you when they yelled or hit you. Maybe you really didn't say your safe word loud enough for them to hear.
In blaming yourself, the relationship feels more controllable. All you have to do is try harder, do better; you just need to be better. They convince you that what you see isn't real, that your memories and even your own thoughts are lies, until you can no longer trust yourself. Your reality becomes dependent on their perspective.
If you were more supportive, a better listener, and everything they could possibly need, maybe you wouldn't have made them so angry and unhappy. You get busy loving and building them up while they are breaking you down. You become quieter, smaller, and more obedient, but it doesn't change anything. The shame of continually betraying yourself knowing you are better than this- knowing what they are doing to you is wrong, that shame is a weight on your chest that you can't seem to shake. You are intelligent and capable, and yet you feel powerless.
You spend your time wishing there was a way to get back to the beginning, to the time before you crash-landed. But there isn't. There is no way back to when they saw you as special (maybe they never really did). Now, they see you as the problem- you feel like the problem. So, you stay - and you love them. You hold tight to the good memories you shared. There are moments when they return to the person they were when you first met them; they’re loving, supportive, kind, and that's enough to re-ignite hope.
That little flicker of hope. The if only and the what-ifs have become a cage around you. The door is open, of course. You’re free to walk through it… but the fact is now it feels impossible to leave because they taught you to love them more than you love yourself.
Freefalling into uncertain waters is thrilling until you realize you're drowning in the waves, because someone else is holding you under. I think I'm drowning.
This author chooses to remain anonymous. We appreciate them sharing their story with us. If you think you might have been subjected to abuse or assault, please contact a local help line.
