Gender is Energy
I’m a man who happens to be trans.
I’m okay with being “a trans man”, as long as you genuinely hear, and fully understand, the “man” in that phrase.
I’m 6ft, 196 lbs of mostly muscle. I sing an unmelodic tenor, and can hit a rough, ragged baritone if I concentrate on it.
I play with blades, chains, bare fists, New Rock platform boots. I punch, kick, throttle, draw blood. There’s sweat (mine) and tears (yours).
I am not a “boi”, I am not a “butch”, I am not a happy little blend of cutesy gender with a little edge to kick it up.
I am the edge. All of it.
Okay, so my penis is detachable and dishwasher safe, and comes in whatever size and style I feel like, but that’s mostly irrelevant, because I don’t play to get laid. I play because I want you terrified of me. I want you hurt. Then I want to throw you whatever you need to put yourself back together again, and stalk out of the room leaving you wishing you could have more of me.
But you can’t, because I am every emotionally disinterested, unavailable, brutish man you like to complain about in your vanilla life.
And if you don’t want that in kink, that’s okay; I’m not interested in coercion. I’m a Sadist, not a rapist.
But first and foremost, I’m a man.
A male Sadist.
A Dom.
Being trans doesn’t soften that. It doesn’t sweeten it. It doesn’t make me more acceptable to the bi-curious women, or to anyone who exclusively plays with femmes. (More’s the pity – a lot of the best masochists prefer to play with women, which is tough cheese for me, but hey, that’s just how the kink cookie crumbles, sometimes.)
Some trans masc folk are blended – their energy brings “a bit of both.” It is a soft gentleness with a “get your sh*t together” edge. That doesn’t mean they’re not men – but they’re not what I am, either.
I don’t put “FTM” on my kink profiles because that tends to lead to approaches from people who want, and expect, “a little bit of both”, a man’s body with a woman’s energy, or vice versa.
My body and my energy are fully male.
I transitioned to be a man.
Not to “Queer the masculine experience”, or “bend gender norms”, but to be a man.
To solve problems, rather than offer sympathy.
To grit my teeth, set my shoulders, and get things done, rather than whine about how hard it all is.
To be invisible until I choose to be noticed.
To be at peace with myself, rather than at war.
I am about as far from “Queer” as it’s possible to get. I basically transitioned to be an insurance clerk; I don’t game, I look terrible with dyed hair, I can’t stand having hair any longer than collar length, at most. I don’t fit or suit “gender free” clothing and when I’m wearing jewelery, I want subtle statements, rather than bling. I have size 10.5 feet – they don’t do “quirky” shoes for those here in the UK!
When I come into a scene, or a play space, it’s a male energy that enters – because that’s the only energy I have.
Have I encountered transphobia in kink spaces? Sadly, yes – and most often from cisgender women.
If people understood that “whether you have a dick or a cunt” is mere biology, and gender is the energy someone presents, I think the kink scene would have less transphobia than it does; perhaps there would be more people who realised their gender wasn’t an exact match for their assigned sex.
Do I consider it transphobic for someone to say “I want to play with men who have a real, flesh and blood, biologically attached penis?” No. I’m not interested in sexual activity during a scene, so in all likelihood I wouldn’t be a good match for someone with those preferences, even if I had the required appendage. People are allowed to have preferences, and they are not obliged to include me in them. I certainly don’t include every possible variation of human in my own preferences!
Where sex isn’t a requirement of the scene, however, what we’re looking for, beyond compatibility in kink roles, is the right kind of energy.
If you enjoy the experience of being with someone who has a blended energy, a ‘queer’ energy, or an ‘unconventional’ energy, you won’t enjoy the experience of being with me.
If, however, you get off on being hit not only with a variety of thudding, stinging implements, but also with wave after wave of strongly male energy, then we’re going to have a great time.
Even when we’re not talking about trans people, gender is energy. The fact that gender is energy is why some people exclusively play with femmes – by which they mean not just “Dominant women”, but “Dominant women whose energy and presentation is the very epitome of feminine”. (And if people need to unpack how a strong, Dominant person can also have feminine energy, that’s their homework to go and do – it’s certainly entirely possible, and, from my experience, relatively common.)
Gender being energy is the reason some people find themselves being read as the opposite side of the slash to where they actually are – because their energy is more masculine or feminine than their presentation, and people are dysfunctionally rooted to stereotypical assumptions about the roles particular genders take, sometimes.
How can you say you’re a man if you don’t have a penis? How can you claim to be a woman if you look like a man? ‘Man’ and ‘woman’ speak of gender – which is why we have people who refer to themselves as “boys”, “bois”, or “girls”, even though they are adults; their gender is a younger, more nebulous, softer thing than the adult versions of it.
If you want a man – that’s me.
If you want a person with a penis – look elsewhere, with my blessing.
How many genders are there? An infinite number, because energy, being a formless thing, is infinitely variable. Many genders don’t have names, yet. Some are named as whatever is “close enough.” Some will remain nameless, because that works best for the person holding them.
So; I bring male energy to the scene. What energy, then, do I play with?
Female energy with an edge, or calm male energy, if I want a relaxed scene.
Strong male energy if I want to showcase everything I’m capable of.
About the Author: AvengingAlpha is a male Sadist with werewolf notions, and very little inclination to suffer fools.
