Being Ace & Kinky
When most people think of BDSM, their minds probably leap straight to breathy moans and maybe a few broken bed frames. But as we’ve said many times on this site, kink isn’t always about sex.
What Is Asexuality?
Asexuality (sometimes called “ace”) is a sexual orientation characterised by little-to-no sexual attraction to others. That doesn’t necessarily mean asexual people don’t have sex (some do!) or that they can’t enjoy physical sensations (many absolutely do), but the key difference is that the sexual attraction part isn’t really there.
Asexuality can be expressed in a number of ways from sex-repulsed (having no interest in sex whatsoever) to sex-neutral (self-explanatory) or even sex-favourable (open to/occasionally enjoy sex). The asexual spectrum also includes identities like graysexual (only occasional or context-specific attraction) and demisexual (attraction that only develops after a deep emotional bond).
Whilst mainstream media often equates BDSM with wild sex romps, the truth is a lot more nuanced. At its heart, kink is about vulnerability, trust, and connection. These things are just as meaningful for asexual kinksters as they are for anyone else.
Let’s put it this way: You don’t need to be turned on to love being tied up. You don’t have to crave sex to get a thrill from the sound of a paddle hitting skin or the psychological headspace of being someone’s obedient pet. For many folks, the kink itself is all that matters, not some type of sexual payoff.
Common Misconceptions of Ace Kinksters
Those who are ace in the kink world have likely heard at least one of the following:
“You just haven’t met the right Dom/me yet.”
“But kink is *inherently* sexual.”
“So what’s the point if there’s no sex?”
“Are you just here to watch?”
It can be exhausting to continually hear things like this, but these assumptions usually come from a lack of understanding, not malice.
If you aren’t familiar with asexuality, it’s important to educate yourself. Kink scenes have traditionally centered around sexuality, but things are changing. More people are recognising that intimacy isn’t synonymous with sex, and that asexual kinksters aren’t confused, broken, or somehow “less kinky.”
Asexual Kink Activities
So what do asexual kinksters enjoy? A lot of the same stuff everyone else does!
Their motivations are also the same as any kinksters who simply enjoy the fetish itself over the sex that sometimes comes with it.
Some of those activities include:
Rope Play: Many asexual bottoms love the experience of being tied up and feeling safe, supported, and grounded without any sexual context. Likewise, Rope Tops often love the artistry, precision, and connection involved.
D/s Relationships: Power dynamics can exist completely independent of sex. A 24/7 protocol might include things like posture training, rules around clothing or behavior, ritualised greetings, or control over daily routines, all of which are focused on power exchange itself.
Mind Play and Control: Some asexual kinksters are all about the mental aspects of fetishes. Examples include: hypnosis, mindfuck scenes, interrogation roleplay, degradation or praise.
Sensation Play: From feathers and fur to violet wands and hot wax, sensation play is a favourite for ace folks who enjoy tactile stimulation. It’s about experiencing your body in different ways, not necessarily arousal.
Roleplay: Whether it’s age play, pet play, or teacher/student, these dynamics are often more about the narrative than anything else. For ace kinksters who love storytelling or character-based play, this can be deeply immersive and rewarding without veering into sexual territory.
Impact Play: The emotionally intense, physically satisfying, and completely non-sexual nature of a good spank or paddle attracts many ace bottoms and Tops who love the mental and emotional release of a well-executed scene.
Asexuality in Kink Communities
Being asexual in kink can feel alienating. Many events or parties assume a baseline of sexual interest, and not all communities understand what asexuality really means. As a scene-space or host, here are some tips for helping ace folks feel welcome:
Promote Non-Sexual Events: Sharing or promoting kink events that are explicitly inclusive of non-sexual play can mean a lot to an ace kinkster. These can include education-focused events, rope jams, or munches. If you’re ace, consider joining ace-centered online forums and social media groups.
Communicate Clearly: Consent is key in kink, and that includes being up front about what you're into, just as much as what you're not. Saying “I engage in sexual play” isn’t awkward or rude (depending on your tone of voice). Additionally, “I’m ace and don’t engage in sexual play” is a respectful way to stay on the same page with potential partners.
Build Your Own Dynamic: Don’t be afraid to co-create relationships and scenes that reflect your preferences, rather than trying to fit into someone else’s mold. Whatever your sexuality, your version of kink is completely valid and worthy of respect.
Respect Sexuality: Just as some people may not be comfortable engaging in kink sex, others don’t want sex at all. That’s okay! But if you’re a sexual person who agrees to play with someone who isn’t, remember that they aren’t a project to be “converted.” Their sexuality is just as valid as yours. As with any kink activities, limits and boundaries should always be respected.
Whether they’re in it for the ropes, the rituals, the rhythm of a flogger, or the intimacy of a shared headspace, asexual kinksters have a place in kink and BDSM.
