Long-Distance Relationships in Kink & BDSM

If you're thinking about starting a kinky long-distance relationship (aka LDR), or if you're already in one, here are some tips to help you make a long-distance kinky relationship work:

Communicate openly, honestly, and frequently. Communication is key in any relationship, but it's vital in a long-distance relationship. Make sure to talk to each other on a regular basis, whether it's through text, phone calls, video chats, or emails. Talk about your day, your thoughts, and your feelings. Share your dreams and goals. And let each other know how much you care.

Schedule regular “check-ins” about your relationship. One of the most important things you can do as partners is understand your relationship and its place in your respective lives. Continuing to revisit how you feel and whether or not your needs are being met, or to discuss issues or new challenges to the relationship, can deepen trust and encourage transparency.

Be honest with each other. Honesty is essential in any relationship, but it's especially important in a long-distance relationship. There's no room for secrets or lies in a long-distance relationship. Don't bottle up your emotions, or they'll only grow stronger. If you're feeling frustrated, insecure, or jealous, talk to your partner about it. Honesty will help you build trust and intimacy.

Make a conscious effort to trust your partner, even when it's hard. Trust is another essential ingredient in any relationship, but it's even more important in a long-distance relationship. When you're not physically together, it's easy to start questioning your partner's faithfulness, but if you don't trust each other, your relationship will never work.

Be patient. Long-distance relationships take work. There will be times when you're frustrated, lonely, or even tempted to give up. But if you're patient and committed, you can make it work. If the physical distance is only temporary, eventually, you'll be able to close the gap and be together in person.

Make time for each other. Even though you're not physically together, it's important to make time for each other. Schedule regular phone calls, video chats, and emails. Send each other letters, cards, and gifts. And don't forget to do things together, even if you're not in the same place. You can watch movies together, listen to music together, play games together, or even read the same book and talk about it later.

Video chats can deepen BDSM dynamics. If you are in a long-distance power dynamic, explore ways to deepen the dynamic through activities that don’t require your physical presence. D/s or M/s dynamics could include things like dressing in certain attire and orgasm control, while Caregiver dynamics might involve storytime or playing online games together.

Schedule in-person visits as often as possible. One of the best ways to stay connected in a long-distance relationship is to make plans to see each other, if you can. Even if it's just for a weekend, it's important to have something to look forward to. When you do see each other, make the most of your time together. Go on dates, spend time with each other's families and friends, and just enjoy each other's company.

Be positive. It's easy to focus on the negative aspects of a long-distance relationship, but it's important to keep in mind all the great things about what you have. Whenever you’re feeling down, try focusing on the things you love about your partner and the reasons why you're in a relationship with them in the first place. If all else fails, talking through your struggles with your partner can go a long way towards keeping a positive mindset.

Celebrate your milestones. No matter how big or small, be sure to celebrate your milestones together. This could be anything from your first anniversary to your first time meeting each other's parents. Celebrating your milestones will help you stay connected and remind you of why you're in a relationship in the first place.

Understand your limits. Long-distance relationships can be tough, but they're not impossible. As with any relationship, you and your partner can pull from the lessons of past relationships to build upon this one.If you're both committed to making it work, there's no reason why you can't have a happy and successful relationship. That being said, understanding your limits and boundaries is essential to its longevity. Accepting your limits - and letting go when necessary - doesn’t need to be seen as a failure.

Have fun! Enjoy each other's company whenever you can and work towards making memories that you'll cherish forever. Have themed virtual dates, send each other funny memes, and do whatever makes you happy.

Long-distance BDSM relationships aren't all that different from other long-distance relationships, and while you might need to get more creative to enjoy kink and BDSM as part of your long-distance relationship, with a little effort, you can make it work.

Things to remember about long-distance kink & BDSM

Here are some additional things to remember about long-distance kinky relationships:

Discuss what you both want. There are all different kinds of dynamics, and that's no different when it's long-distance. From caregiving to disciplinarian, pets to service submission, spend time discussing what you both want to create together. Sometimes just those discussions can be incredibly arousing!

As a D-type, don't impose what you think your partner 'wants' on them. You can tell them what your expectations are, and what you're looking for, but they have to also tell you what their needs and expectations are so that the exchange is mutual. Otherwise the relationship is at risk of being one-sided.

Spend time talking about pre-care and aftercare needs. Things like assurances before a scene, or having a routine to set up in-person aftercare (e.g. snacks, drinks, a blanket, a teddy, etc) can be something you can both walk through together to ensure that once one of you is in subspace, you have the key things you might need.

If the scene involves you and your partner hanging up or ending the video call immediately following a scene, scheduling a check-in for after scenes can be beneficial. For example, your partner might prefer to be left alone for a while, or they might like a morning-after phone call, etc.

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If you wouldn't be comfortable doing something in person, don't feel you have to do it just because you're long-distance.

Stay safe. If your long-distance play is predominantly online, remember that anything on the internet can be hacked, stolen, or exploited. Ensure your safety remains paramount throughout.

Consider reward systems, whether that's for simple tasks or something specific based on what kind of dominance and submission you're looking to build.

Remember, there's no set way to do kink, and that includes long-distance - kink is very subjective. Communication and honesty is the only way to build a dynamic that works for everyone, so talk about your needs and wants and limits regularly, just like you would in-person.

A long-distance relationship can be just as rewarding as a traditional relationship, but just like any other relationship, it requires work. Remember to communicate often, be honest and open with each other, trust each other, make time for each other, be patient, and have fun!