BDSM Power Dynamics & Codependency
Codependency is a learned behavioural pattern, most often as a result of being raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment.
Individuals who are codependent only feel a sense of self-worth and stability when they’re sacrificing their personal needs or desires for a partner who’s more than happy to let them. This “cycle of codependency” results in a pattern of emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships, often built around poor boundaries or low self-esteem on the part of both individuals.
The term codependency was originally coined in the 1950s by Alcoholics Anonymous as a means for describing relationships where partners of individuals who abuse substances become inextricably entwined in the lives of the people they care for. Their own identity is enmeshed with the identity of the other person. Also called enmeshment, codependency has evolved over time to encompass much more than this type of relationship.
The term’s overuse as a buzzword in recent years has led to a lot of misunderstanding around what exactly it means, however.
Being codependent is often misused as a descriptor for someone who’s being “too needy”, or to describe the act of depending on someone else to follow through on something.
Two or more individuals can rely, trust, and even depend on each other to follow through on promises, support, and love. One or more relationships can take precedence over others in a person’s life. None of this is equivalent to codependency.
Codependency in a Power Exchange Dynamic
No data exists around how many kinksters have codependent tendencies, and the fluctuating definitions of this term have resulted in murky statistics.
But given that Melody Beattie’s best-seller Codependent No More has sold over 3.5 million copies, our guess is that these behaviours are more common than most people realize.
To help highlight the ways in which codependency can manifest in power exchange dynamics, we’ve included scenarios of some of the more common indicators of codependent behaviour.
Whilst one of these behaviours may not mean your relationship is a codependent one, it’s worth discussing any concerns with your partner.
The dynamic is consistently one-sided, but not in the ways that you agreed to at the start. It’s not like your submissive has violated your consent - you said yes, didn’t you? - it’s just that things seem to have grown exponentially and you’re not sure how it happened or quite how you feel about it all. As the D-type, you take on the bulk of responsibilities. You recognize this seems beyond the role of a Dominant, but feel afraid or otherwise anxious at the thought of discussing it.
When you bring this up, your submissive avoids accountability for how things got so imbalanced, and it always ends in a fight. You suppose their defensiveness is understandable. After all, they’ve been through a hell of a lot in their life - much more than you ever have - and maybe it’s time someone took care of them for once. All the care and devotion you give to maintaining the dynamic is going to pay off in the end, and your submissive will be so grateful to you for all you have done. Having thought further on things after a recent fight, you’ve realized you’d much rather just go ahead and handle everything. It’s easier that way.
Even still, sometimes deep down, you get truly angry at how you’re treated… and that makes you feel terrible.
A submissive who expects and encourages their Dominant to be their ‘everything’, from psychologist to lover, and contributes very little to the overall health of the dynamic is behaving in a codependent way.
Sure, they may obey their Dom’s rules and protocols, but outside of that, there is very little that they willingly give. If a person has no sense of accountability or grasp of the consequences of their actions, they are free to do anything. Within the context of kink, that’s a dangerous mindset for a partner to have, and something that should be addressed quickly.
You’re drawn to the role of s-type because you enjoy making others happy. Some friends joke that you’re a ‘people pleaser’, and inwardly you find this to be a great compliment. You’re happiest when you do something that makes another person happy.
Lately though, you’re feeling as though you have to ‘walk on eggshells’ around your D-type. They seem to always be in a bad mood these days, so you’re constantly on guard with what you say or ask of them. You begin declining invitations from friends to go out to parties or events, because your dominant partner doesn’t want you to go. Recently, you declined a week-long trip with your family because your partner advised that vacation time was better spent with just you and them. As time goes by, you stop speaking up when you disagree about such decisions.
During a scene the other night, your D-type told you to do something that they knew was a hard limit for you. You paused. Perhaps they had forgotten? You reminded them softly of this. They responded in anger, immediately ending the scene. They left the room, clearly upset. You immediately regretted saying anything at all, and had to coax your partner back into the scene, assuring them that it was truly okay to do.
Saying yes made you feel safe and happy, and even though the experience wasn’t pleasant, it was made better by the fact that you knew it pleased them, even if they didn’t say so.
When kinksters discuss consent violations, it’s often in the context of scenes and not as much in long-term dynamics, as described above.
A codependent is at a higher risk of allowing a consent violation than someone who has strong boundaries and self-confidence.
Granted, there’s nothing wrong with changing one’s mind about a given kink - and many kinksters evolve over time. But when a polite declination on the part of one partner causes the silent treatment, continuous complaints, or blatant disrespect, a codependent individual tends to backtrack and acquiesce, sometimes subconsciously, to what was requested in the interest of pleasing their partner.
Mitigation of Codependency Risks in TPE & 24/7 Relationships
For those who are in existing codependent relationships or have had them in the past, engaging in power dynamics on any level can pose a very real emotional and physical risk for both partners.
In the context of power dynamics, particularly those that are based on total power exchange (aka TPE), being truly risk-aware means understanding the potential such relationships have for becoming codependent.
In the kink world, D/s dynamics can be easily romanticized. Within erotica and other stories by kinksters on social media, the submissive partner “gifts” their submission to their dominant counterpart. Trusting that they’ll be taken care of and protected, this gift is received by a compassionate and loving dominant who has an innate ability to simply “know” what their submissive partner wants.
In reality, TPE and 24/7 aren’t as all-encompassing as the internet would have you believe, and if the relationship is on that level, it’s not healthy or safe.
Giving oneself to a partner for the sole purpose of being cared for in every possible way, or having a partner who needs this level of responsibility over you in order to be truly happy - even if this is how the dynamic is negotiated to be - is codependency.
Make no mistake; these types of relationships often do involve substantial power exchanges that come with serious responsibility. Common examples include a submissive giving full control of their financials - their salary, savings, or retirement plans for example - to their dominant partner, or allowing their dominant to have the “final say” on significant decisions such as purchasing a car or home, the location and timing of a vacation, or controlling their diet and exercise regimen.
A healthy and grounded dominant partner is also unlikely to try and change their submissive partner’s personality or the characteristics of their identity or autonomy, and vice-versa.
In power dynamics that are at play every hour of every day, it’s common for a dominant’s control over their partner to stop at boundaries such as professional life decisions, personal friendships, and relationships with family members.
As such, it’s important to remember that for a 24/7 TPE dynamic to be a healthy one, both partners should be able to maintain their own sense of personhood and be acutely aware of their own opinions and feelings around every facet of their relationship.
Dealing with Codependency in Your Relationships
Why individuals are codependent or choose to remain in codependent relationships is deeply complex and often misunderstood. It’s easy to place blame on individuals for not leaving toxic relationships, but these behaviours are incredibly difficult to break away from. Furthermore, there’s no need to place blame, as the vast majority already blame themselves.
Those who experience codependency are often fully aware of their unhappiness, but feel paralyzed by fear or anxiety when they think of speaking up.
For this reason, codependency should be met with compassion and not judgement.
It’s important to remember that codependency is a learned behaviour. This means it’s possible to unlearn through activities such as counselling, mindfulness practices, learning to set healthy boundaries, self-esteem building, and many more empowering activities.
The good news is that partners can choose to recognize their behavioural patterns and respond in positive ways. But ultimately both must commit to putting their own needs first.
