Coming Out as Poly
Coming out as polyamorous to friends and family can be a difficult undertaking - monogamy has been viewed as the ideal and only socially acceptable path for relationships for centuries.
While sexuality is seen as a biological matter, polyamory is often viewed as a lifestyle choice, even if there may be biological motivators in practicing it.
How Can I Tell People I’m Poly?
Here are some tips that may help you when making the decision to share your poly status with others.
Who you choose to come out to as poly is up to you
You can be as selective as you like when deciding who you share your poly status with. Consider the personalities and viewpoints of those you choose to inform: will they treat your revelation with confidentiality or will they immediately share it with mutual acquaintances, friends, or family members? Do they have a history of intolerance towards marginalised groups? You can be out to some and closeted with others; there aren’t firm rules on who you ‘should be’ out to and to what extent you’re out. If the thought of sharing your poly status with family gives you anxiety, you’re free to hold off on providing them with this information. Good practice can be found in sharing your poly identity with those you’re considering dating, or even informing a trusted friend or two.
Consider legal protections (or the lack thereof) of your poly status
In many jurisdictions, polyamory isn’t a protected status. You could face recriminations and even termination from employers, be denied job opportunities, have your status used against you in child custody, visitation, and adoption, or even be denied housing (such as a rental or even a mortgage) because of your polyamory.
Be aware of the setting when opening up about polyamory
Nobody likes to feel blindsided by unexpected revelations, so find a time and place you can quietly sit together and share what’s in your heart without outside interruptions. This can be in your own home or in a public, neutral setting. If your plan is a “one and done” approach in which you inform your entire family at a gathering, exercise caution and be prepared for loved ones who may either take issue with your poly status or the manner in which you have chosen to share it.
Be able to explain exactly what polyamory means to you and why you’re pursuing it
There’s a tremendous amount of misinformation on polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM), with many monogamous individuals viewing it as akin to cheating, immorality, or purely sex-driven. Emphasise the ethical aspects of your love life; that all of your partners are not only aware of one another but also support you in your pursuits with others. Also note that your motivation is not sex, but the desire to have fulfilling, committed, and loving relationships with more than one partner.
Remind people that your polyamorous identity is only one aspect of who you are as a person
Those you come out to may want to paint a picture of you as no longer a ‘good’ or ‘moral’ person. Remember that the only thing that’s changed is your preferred relationship style when it comes to romantic partners. It doesn’t make you immoral, unethical, or confused. You are still who you are, and it’s up to those you care about to see that. The ball is in their court if they choose to recognise and accept this.
Be ready to answer questions about polyamory
This is a big one, as your friends and loved ones may have a few questions for you. Be open and honest, but also express boundaries with particular details. If you feel the question is inappropriate, say so. You are not required to share every facet of your love life - you have a right to privacy, as do your partners. Some frequently asked questions might include:
What’s so wrong with monogamy?
Isn’t that just a fancy word for cheating?
Aren’t you afraid that you’ll get hurt emotionally?
Are you afraid of commitment?
What about AIDS and other STIs?
Be prepared for negative responses to your poly status
Prepare yourself from potential blowback when coming out. As noted above, there is a lot of disinformation about polyamory and people will regularly hold onto their prejudices and morals. This can be particularly true of religious, conservative friends and family. They may call you names, question your morals and character, and may even go so far as to shut you out of their lives. In anticipation of a negative reaction, sometimes polyamorous individuals will ask one or all of their partners to be present for this conversation, so that they feel supported. If you’d rather do this alone, have a like-minded friend or partner you can see afterwards who can help you process the event.
Remember that it’s okay to be polyamorous
Identifying and accepting your polyamorous identity is an important step in finding your true self. Being open about it brings freedom of expression as you embark on exciting opportunities in pursuit of love and happiness.
