Establishing Boundaries & Limits in BDSM
“What are your limits?” is not exactly the sexiest question to ask a potential play partner, but it’s one of the most vital ones. Limits are critical to BDSM and kink activities.
No one should expect you to have a comprehensive list of what you are or aren’t into.
How can you have hard and soft limits without knowing every kink and fetish?
Unless you want to fill out a spreadsheet that lists hundreds of kinks and fetishes, and have your partner(s) run down the list one by one, the best thing to do is to explicitly tell them that anything not covered in your negotiations should be considered a hard limit.
If you’re negotiating a scene where you want to be spanked, for example, your partner should understand that attempting to hit you with a paddle or pulling your hair is out of bounds, unless you explicitly told them beforehand that it was okay to do so during that particular scene.
The kinks you know you might enjoy are often easier to explore than the things you either know nothing about or are unsure you’d really like. For this reason, we can’t emphasize enough that you should go slowly.
How do you know what kinks you’re into?
Figuring out where to begin when it comes to identifying your hard and soft limits can be both confusing and overwhelming. Your best best is to start with whatever inspired you to research kink and BDSM in the first place.
When did you realize that you were kinky? What was it that you saw, did, or felt? Typically our kinks and fetishes start small, then expand and evolve as we continue to explore. The reason for this is because much of the kinkverse overlaps and intersects with itself.
If you’re attracted to submission, for example, you’ll likely encounter Dominants who identify as more than just “Dominant”. As you begin to play and learn from others, not only will you gain practice in articulating what it is you enjoy, but you’ll inevitably be presented with kinks and fetishes you may not have even known existed.
Knowing what you are into, even if it’s just one or two things, can be a jumping off point to discovering what you are not into.
Things To Consider When Putting Together Your List of Hard & Soft Limits
Take time getting to know the people in your kink community
Don’t be afraid to ask for personal accounts or tips, as most kinksters will be happy to share their experiences. Whilst everyone is different, discussions such as these will help to solidify your personal feelings and boundaries.
If there’s something that you’re curious or unsure about, ask kinksters who are into it why they enjoy that particular kink or fetish.
Once you have built enough trust with a partner(s) to play with them, let them know what you’re curious about and want to try. Remember that it’s okay to change your mind if the moment comes and you’re suddenly not so into the idea. If your partner(s) try to push you into trying something that you decide at the last minute not to do, they aren’t safe to play with.
Know that you’re expected to have hard at soft limits in kink & BDSM world
There are going to be things that you’re just not into, and that’s not only okay, but expected and appreciated. Just be careful in how you approach other kinksters who are into those things. Kink-shaming is very frowned upon in the kink community, so a good rule of thumb is to say: their kink is not your kink, and that’s okay.
A big red flag in the community is when someone says that they don’t have any limits. Every kinkster in the world has limits. Even those on the left side of the slash have limits, and you should ask about them.
Understand that you have worth and value. Your kinks are yours, and your journey is your own.
In recognizing your own self-worth, you become better equipped to set boundaries that feel comfortable to you as well as expressing your limits clearly.
The reason we often refer to the exploration of kink as a “journey” is because there are going to be twists and turns all along the way. This is why negotiations, consent, and safewords, and aftercare are so important to what we do. As you explore what you’re into, you can expect to encounter things you would rather not explore and that’s both expected and completely accepted by the community at-large.
Voicing your needs, concerns, and questions, will be one of the most important things you do as a kinkster. Never be afraid to speak up, and remember that no one but you has the final word in what your limits and boundaries are.
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