Safely Finding Kinky Play Partners
Let’s say you’ve identified what you want to experiment with or experience, done some research on safe practices, and are eager and confident to start your kink journey.
But there’s one question that you haven’t quite found the answer to:
Where can I find a safe kinky play partner?
This can be a daunting thought for anyone as they step into any unknown. The kink community is dark, mysterious, and bizarre to the casual observer. But it’s not as scary as one might think. Just remember that kinky people are a subset of the world, and as such, there are both good and bad players.
In order to be safe(r) in your exploration, finding people who will guide you while respecting your boundaries and limits is key.
Find kinky friends before you look for kinky partners
As much as you may want to jump right into your exploration, making friends in the kink community is the best way to safely make your entrance.
You want trusted kinky friends who will look out for your well being, not “friends” who are merely feigning interest with the goal of playing with you. It’s important to have those platonic friendships throughout your travels through kink, as they can provide input and guidance, assist in vetting potential play partners, be available as safe calls, and either chaperone a scene or come get you if a scene goes sideways.
Attend local kink and BDSM classes to get vetted
Whilst the focus is on education, classes do provide opportunities to meet others, ask questions of experienced kinksters, and in some cases, get vetted for events.
Approaching kink with a willingness to learn is important, and many local kink and BDSM communities offer classes on a range of topics and practices from instructional and hands-on to lectures and forums, as well as everything in between. You may even make a friend or two along the way!
Show up at local kink and BDSM events to make friends and find play partners
As with classes, local events are a fantastic way to meet several people at once, as well as get acquainted with your local kink community.
There may be a vetting process before you attend, but once cleared, you’re set to attend that group’s munches, play parties, dungeons, etc. Many dungeons allow observers, regardless of their kink experience, but there should be no expectation for you to perform a scene when attending a party.
Explore Kink and BDSM Social Media
There are many kink-related sites and dating apps and some kinksters even use vanilla apps to meet others.
Many have grown accustomed to swiping left/right to find potential partners in their dating life, and kink is no different.
Exercise caution as you would with any other online encounter and be mindful of what information you share with others: your name, where you work/what you do, address and phone number, etc.
Meeting a Potential Play Partner
Regardless of how you meet someone, if you do make a connection with a kinkster and decide to meet in person, do so in a public place and continue this practice until you feel comfortable being alone with them.
Your goal is getting to know them and their approach to kink, feeling out their intentions while looking for red flags, and vetting them for the purpose of considering them as a play partner, not to make an immediate decision. Avoid taking part in a scene during your first physical encounter with them.
Should you decide to engage in kinky activities with other kinksters, make sure you have a trusted safe call lined up. Provide your safe call with information on who you will be with, where you’ll be and for how long. They can also check up on you at a specified time during your kinky meet up should you need a way out.
Unfortunately, kink and BDSM have their fair share of predatory individuals, and you may come across personal accounts where play partners went too far, violated consent, or broke the law. These horror stories have no doubt prevented people from exploring their needs and desires, perhaps more so than the shame they expect to encounter simply by sharing their kinks in the first place.
Remember, the goal in all of this is to have fun, discover and explore your kinks and desires, and be safe through it all.
Never feel pressured to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, and keep in mind that you have full autonomy of yourself: any time you say “no” or “stop”, it should be met with full compliance by the other party.
If you think you might have been subjected to abuse or assault, please contact a local Victim Support Helpline.
