Consent Violations & Broken Limits
The first thing to know if your consent gets violated during a scene or in a relationship is that you did nothing wrong.
Period.
Many survivors of such events blame themselves or get caught up in the “what if”s or “should have”s, or grapple with a deep sense of shame or guilt. But even the most seasoned of kinksters can be betrayed by someone they consider to be safe.
What do you do when someone ignores your hard limits or safeword?
Let’s assume that you and a play partner negotiate a scene, communicate about safewords, boundaries and limits, and that person proceeds to break your agreed-upon negotiations by ignoring everything and doing whatever they want to do.
This can happen in anything from long-term relationships to ‘pick-up play’ to negotiated one-off scenes where you’re not in a relationship with the play partner at all.
There is a common misconception in many cultures that long-term partners cannot violate one another’s consent. In fact, in a few dozen countries, it’s completely legal for a husband to force his wife to have sex. However, these laws are entirely disconnected from the reality of what consent actually means, and contribute to the perpetuation of domestic violence. It’s incredibly important to remember that you can still have your consent violated, even by a spouse or partner you’ve known - and trusted - for many years.
Some survivors choose to talk with the person who violated their consent about what went wrong, why, and whether it can be overcome. Others may choose to never see the violator again. Both of these options are completely valid choices, and entirely dependent on the survivor’s comfort level and feelings of personal safety.
Whilst the decision to speak up if you’ve been assaulted in a kink or BDSM scene is 100% up to you, we urge you to seek medical attention immediately if you’ve been injured.
Medical experts can help to ensure that your injuries heal properly, as well as helping to guide you through any processes needed if you wish to press charges.
Remember that you aren’t alone.
Many survivors find comfort in knowing this. We have a list of international resources to assist you in finding someone to talk to about what happened. We’d also encourage you to seek out a personal therapist or support group to help process the feelings you’re going through.
Violations of boundaries, limits, and consent can happen to anyone. While we can never be 100% safe from this risk if we engage in kink and BDSM activities with others, vetting your partners and ensuring someone knows where you are and who you’re playing are critical steps to engaging in these activities as safely as possible.
As we’ve said repeatedly on this website, if it’s not consensual, it’s not kink: it is assault.
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