Kink Normality

Sex sells. Fact. It’s been commonplace in the media since the 70s and 80s to cash in on coitus, but for some reason, even now, only certain sex is allowed to sell. 50 Shades of Grey is a perfect example of this.

Softcore BDSM and “mommy” porn are now widely available.

The success of 50 Shades of Grey blurred the line between the mainstream interpretation of BDSM and actual kinky sex. Suddenly, kinky sex was allowed to sell, too. And boy, did it sell. 

Despite its flaws, 50 Shades  made kink accessible to mainstream society. Kink and fetish sites saw increases of anywhere from 30% to 400% between social networking and sex toy sales, depending on which sources you look at. ‘Mommy porn’ novellas flew out of bookstores, floggers became bejewelled status symbols, and women sought out their Christian Grey on any and every kinky dating site they could.

None of it was healthy, of course. Within the kink lifestyle, 50 Shades is abhorrent; it depicts so many red flags, and such an abuse of ‘power’, that many kinksters will instantly shut down if you mention it.

What makes sex ‘kinky’?

It’s a perfectly valid question: how do you differentiate between going to bed in the evening and having sex, and having "kinky" sex? 

Kink is anything that deviates from the normal, and is especially personal. What makes you kinky is what makes you kinky. Your kinks have little effect on anyone else, unless they’re sharing a scene with you and have consented to the activity in question.

So where do you draw the line?

Let’s say you enjoy anal sex with a long-term partner. You’ve done so for years. It’s part of your regular repertoire.

Sadly, you and your partner part ways, and a year down the line, you’re dating somebody new, and you bring up anal sex.

They’ve never done it before. They’re nervous and curious and agree to try.

Does that make anal sex kinky? Technically, it does... for one of you.

How kinky am I?

Primarily, what makes something kinky resides in the brain. If you're pushing beyond something you consider out of your ordinary, it can be called kinky for you.

Trying to determine what is or isn’t kinky to somebody else, and the degree to which you need kink, is difficult, and it will always be subjective. 

It’s just as valid for someone to need to be strangled to almost unconscious in order to climax as it is for somebody else to need their feet massaged to feel a sense of pleasure, with or without the sex. 

Whatever it is that gets you off, sexually or otherwise, and regardless of how many times you’ve done something, it doesn't make the first time somebody does something new any less kinky for them. 

Why isn’t anyone else into the same kinks as me?

Often, there are things we tell ourselves about how we should be as kinksters, and even seasoned veterans of kink will experience it from time to time. There’s a competitive nature to kink, though unfounded. You compare yourself to someone that's getting whipped, or participating in needleplay, or kneeling for their D-type, and find yourself thinking ‘I just can't do that. Why can't I do that? I should be better. I'm not good enough at this.’

That’s why it’s so important to remember that your kink journey is yours. Not sharing the same kinks as everyone else seems to does not make you any less kinky. It doesn’t make your kinks any less valid.

Sometimes, you’ll encounter kinks that make you feel like the odd one out, either because you’re into them and nobody else is, or because you’re not into them but everyone else is. Believe us when we say that’s not the case.

There are as many kinks and deviances as lottery combinations. It can feel like a lonely world, but simply finding other people out there that share that commonality can make the world seem that little less isolated.

Is kink, fetish, or BDSM always about sex?

Kink and fetish don't have to be related to sex. Kink and sex can be completely separate. 

Dynamics, relationships, kink scenes - all can take place with no sex involved. It’s just a power exchange, or just a beating, or people just doing what they enjoy. Kink and BDSM can be and often are purely emotional.

So what makes sex kinky if kink isn’t about sex?

Dear reader, that’s the wonderful twisted world of kink, and we encourage you to explore until you find your answer to that.