Coming Out Kinky
Opening up about your kinks and fetishes can often be more daunting than actually doing BDSM.
There is no easy way around it; for some people, even being open about their preferences isn’t an option. Considerations have to be made for family, work, reputation, and all manner of things.
BDSM activities are illegal in some countries, meaning that even talking about these things can put someone at risk in a big way.
But if you do have the option to ‘come out kinky’, what are the pros and cons?
Five Reasons to Tell People You’re Kinky:
Freedom and sexual identity
Owning your identity and being the wildcard you are should be a human right; being able to claim some ownership of yourself can make you far happier and more relaxed than having to hide it away in the shadows.
BDSM and kink for couples
Kink & BDSM can be a great way of ‘spicing things up’ in a long-term relationship, not because they’ve grown stagnant, but because you’ll start discovering new things about your loved one after what might be a really long time together! Many couples find a new layer of their relationship by exploring kink and BDSM with their husband or wife. You could see a whole new sexy side to each other, and the best part is that you have someone to share the entire experience with before, during, and after,
Worry less about online safety and your identity
Doxxing and blackmail are an unfortunate reality of online BDSM communities. Being open about your kink identity can reduce the opportunity for blackmail, both for you and your family and friends. That’s not to say that there wouldn’t be potential repercussions to someone outing you to your extended circle, or that it’ll stop the spam emails in your junk folder, but it’s one less thing to worry about if everyone close to you knows you’re kinky.
Finding kinky partners is a whole lot easier
Being able to open up about your kinks and fetishes, as well as what you’re looking for from a partner means that you have a lot more options on where to look, how to look, and where things might lead. Striking up a conversation with someone who can’t or won’t reveal any of their sexual preferences is difficult, so being open with potential partners helps them understand you - and can even help you to better understand yourself.
Make money on your fetish
It’s true that pro-Dom/mes and BDSM services exist, and they can make good money out of what they do. Being open about your kink identity means you have the option of turning your kinks and fetishes into a living (though we can’t promise how substantial a living it might be!) There are also options like camming, or fetish photo and video subscriptions, that might be a way to turn something you enjoy into a little bonus on the side. Keep in mind that it’s still important to be safe about your identity online, and in person. Never rush into revealing yourself for money.
Five Reasons to Keep Your Kinks Private
Your partner might not be as kinky as you
No matter how ‘tame’ you might think your kinks are, you’ve had longer to think about them than your partner has. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife may simply say no to trying anything freaky in the bedroom, and that means you might not be able to explore your kinks and fetishes. But it can also go so far as to cause relationships to fall apart entirely. Before coming out to your partner, you need to assess how willing you are to risk your marriage or relationship.
Kink isn’t a family thing
Sadly, some kinksters are ostracised from their families as a result of their sexual preferences. Sometimes, it’s purely the shock of the revelation that’s the cause, other times it’s a misunderstanding of what kink and BDSM are. Whatever the root cause, it’s a heartbreaking and life-changing reality that you need to fully consider. Finding your kinky family is great, but remember your blood family might not be so forward-thinking.
Kink and BDSM don’t always ‘work’ with your work
Some employers can be quite liberal when it comes to sexual freedom, which is great. Others prefer a don’t-ask-don’t-tell approach to their employees’ private lives. Often, public-facing employees in positions of trust, such as healthcare workers, teachers, police officers, etc have to be more careful about publicising their kinks. Be mindful that while your employer may be kink-freindly and easygoing, you are still a representative of the company, and your behaviour in the public eye may be perceived differently as a result.
BDSM and the law
Legality around BDSM is a grey area. Divorce can already be a nasty business, and adding kinky behaviour into the prosecution is a very real possibility. Being open about your preferences might not cause issues early on, but several years down the line, a dirty tactic in the courtroom could see your custody battle affected, not to mention defamation in corporate lawsuits, or assault and abuse proceedings.
Bullying and harassment happen in BDSM communities, too
People have long been distrustful of what they don’t understand, and it’s an unfortunate fact that you may well encounter people that make fun of you for what you’re into. Kink shaming even happens within the kink community itself, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Harassment can arise because you’ve added photos to a profile, or because you’ve attended events in person.
You can’t protect yourself against every kind of danger out there, whether you’re open about your kinks or not.
How do I tell people I’m kinky?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this, but we can share a few tips we’ve gathered over time:
Don’t tell your family you’re into kinky sex at the dinner table
Admitting to your family you want to get whipped and spanked whilst you’re sharing dinner at your local Italian restaurant might not be the best option. Similarly, whispering to your spouse in the cinema that you want to stick ginger in their butthole may not go down very well. Talk to people individually at the right time, in the right place; you know them better than we do, so think about the best approach.
Talk about kink with care and caution
The subject is delicate, and it needs to be approached as such. Be mindful of just throwing it all out there at once, because it can quickly get overwhelming - think about how you started exploring: a bit at a time.
People ask a lot of questions about fetishes and kinks
Partners and family can be especially inquisitive, often because they’re concerned for your safety. Partners may be especially worried about how much you want them to be involved, and they may want a lot of detail you’re not ready to go into. Being with a partner who’s kinky can be hard, so be considerate of their sudden emotions. If there are questions you don’t know the answer to, be honest, and offer to give them more information as you find it.
Should I tell people I’m kinky?
We can’t answer that for you. You’re the only person that can weigh up those risks. What we can say is that various members of the BDSM community live a secret life, whilst others have complete openness to friends, family, and strangers. In both cases, the majority are likely very happy with their decision.
Kink communities as a whole respect privacy, but it’s up to you to decide whether or not your real life support network is ready to learn about your kinks and fetishes.
