Keeping Your Kinks Private

Many people choose to keep their identities private in the kink world. 

There's nothing wrong with that, as long as it's for a genuine reason and not just to be dishonest. Some people who are kinky may want to wait until they know someone very well, or sometimes may never reveal their identity if they're not looking to meet people in real life. Others will keep their faces out of images, or use filters and lighting to disguise who they are. 

A lot of kinksters have public service jobs, or don't want their children or their vanilla spouses to know - and that's not always for a nefarious reason. Some kinksters are in the closet and simply not looking for a real life experience. 

There are an endless number of reasons you might have to keep your kinks to yourself:

Local Laws

Kink & BDSM are still illegal in many parts of the world.

Conservative Beliefs

Perhaps family members aren't very liberal or understanding.

Work/Life Balance

Maybe a public-facing career means you can't risk being found out for your kinks.

In truth, it's no one’s place to judge why you may or may not want to have your kinks out there.

We've all been subjected to kink-shaming or the talkdown from people we hoped would support us.

There are many different reasons that drive people to keep their kinks private, but our biggest piece of advice would be to always be true to yourself and learn what you're looking for as soon as possible so that you can be clear to others.

Most kinksters will respect your need for privacy, but honesty, mutual respect, and being genuine are what will make or break your journey.

Should I keep my kinky side a secret?

Here are just a few of the good and bad aspects of keeping your kinks private.

Reasons To Keep Your Kinks Private

Freedom from judgement - what people don't know about you, they can't judge you for.

Maintaining status quo - Opening up about kinks can really rock the boat at home, in relationships, etc.

Luxury of time - Learning at your own pace means you're less likely to experience frenzy and can take your time.

Downsides of Keeping Your Kinks Private

Lack of fulfillment - keeping your kinky self hidden means you'll miss out on possible experiences.

Manifestation - Forcing your kinks into a hole could cause them to evolve and become difficult to suppress.

Missed connections - By hiding your kinky light under a bushel you're potentially going to miss out on some fascinating people.

How do I keep my kink or BDSM life private?

If you do decide to keep your kinks private, there are some tips and tricks to help:

Set up a dedicated email address 

If you're going to be exploring online, use a dedicated email address - this is great for keeping your identity safe, but also enables you to maintain the difference between kink & real life.

Avoid too much interaction on social media

If you want to keep some distance from your real life and your kink life, try to avoid the slippery slope of social media and networks dedicated to kink. If you want extra advice on staying safe on social media, check out this post.

Use incognito mode when browsing online

Keeping your browser history private is key to ensuring nobody happens upon your online explorations. Be aware, however, that if you use a shared internet server at work, your employer can still view your browser history.

Set a limit to how much time you spend online

Part of modern life is the ability and ease of being online as much as we like, but people close to you will notice if you suddenly spend hour upon hour online.

Virtual events are a great way to learn

COVID-19 forced a lot of events online, so if you do want to participate, doing so online instead of in person might be your safest bet.

Keep an online journal of what you've learned

As a way to limit your time browsing the internet over and over, keeping a cloud-based journal - password-protected, of course! - is a great way to process your thoughts. You can even look into publishing your journals to a website to document your journey and help other people in a similar situation.

Create an alias and brand it

If you're going to start publishing your journey, make sure that you have a username that doesn't reveal who you are, but is memorable enough to your followers. If you want to make the most of your story, consider using the same branding across different social media platforms so that your kink-identity remains under your control.