Mentors & Guidance
Having a kink mentor is the safest, most practical way to navigate through the world of kink and BDSM.
What Is A Mentor?
A mentor is an experienced and safe guide for someone who is new to kink or BDSM.
Kink and BDSM mentors pull from their own experiences and knowledge, as well as those from other kinksters they know and respect.
What makes a good kink mentor?
Kink mentors don’t have to be proficient in a specific kink you’re looking for, but they do need to have established ethics with regards to consent, negotiations, boundaries, and safe words & practices.
Some signs of a good kink or BDSM mentor include:
Wanting to hear about what you’re into and assisting you in finding the safest means to fulfil your kink or BDSM desires.
Encouraging you to do your own research.
Assisting you with vetting potential play partners, and providing up resources and questions to ask if you choose to do it yourself.
Offering to be a safe call or chaperone when you go on kinky dates or engage in scenes.
Barring a falling out between the two of you, a mentor will be a good friend and someone who will be available in the future as a resource when you have a question or concern.
Finding a mentor is much like finding potential play partners - be ready to ask questions, request feedback/references, and always follow a vetting process.
How do I find a kink or BDSM mentor?
One of the most common approaches to finding a kink mentor is to ask someone who introduced you to kink.
Ideally, they’re active in the local community, have a variety of resources to share, and/or are open about their own good and bad experiences from which to draw wisdom. Whilst they may not be an “expert” in kink, they can direct you to others who can answer questions and provide feedback.
You can also find mentors at local kink events, public dungeons, and classes.
Speaking with Dungeon Masters is a great start, but don’t expect that they’ll be able to fill the role. Between running the dungeon and their own relationships/dynamics, they may have enough on their plate to adequately take on a mentee. That said, they may be able to direct you to safe, experienced kinksters within the dungeon.
Word of mouth and recommendations from fellow local kinksters are another way of finding a mentor.
Some will either have learned under a specific mentor or know of one who is available. They can also provide insight of their own experiences and offer caution on interacting with known or potential consent-violators.
Is vetting a kink mentor important?
Vetting a mentor is as important as vetting a potential play partner.
As with play partners, you should:
Meet with a potential mentor in a public place and continue to do so until you feel comfortable with them.
Ask about the person’s kink or BDSM experiences, and why they want to be a mentor.
Ask for references of previous and current mentees, as well as kinksters who can affirm their expertise and ethics. A lack of references for past or present mentees doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a bad mentor, but they should be able to provide at least one reference to someone who has been a play partner.
Share what you hope to learn and experience and inquire what their approach to achieving this would be.
Remember that a potential mentor can always disagree with or say no to your request. This does not automatically mean that they’re a bad mentor or kinkster.
Be open to reasonable suggestions and respect any reservations they have on venturing into a particular kink, including the timing of doing so. If they decline your request for mentorship, accept this decision: they have as much say in the matter as you.
