What Is Polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) where individuals form a committed relationship with more than one person. 

Unlike swinging, open relationships, and FWBs, polyamory places emphasis on building a loving bond with multiple partners rather than focusing on sex and companionship. 

The General Structure of Polyamory

A polycule (a portmanteau of poly- and molecule), is the interconnection of ENM relationships that work as a network similar in structure to a molecule. The relationships within the polycule can be intimate, romantic, or familiar, and partners may or may not interact with one another.  

With kitchen table polyamory, all parties are able to comfortably sit around a (sometimes literal) kitchen table to visit, have meals and be at ease discussing the relationships as a whole. They may engage in outings together, which may include the children each partner may incorporate into a poly family.

Hierarchy vs Non-Hierarchy in Poly Relationships

In hierarchical polyamory, partners may be married or in serious relationships with someone who takes priority above any other partners. These partners are referred to as primary partners.

Primary partners may have the power to veto or override their partner’s other relationships. This usually happens if they feel the other partner is purposely infringing on their relationship or as a last resort after attempting to settle differences between them amicably.

Non-hierarchical polyamory views all partners in a polycule as having an equal voice, regardless of how “serious” the relationship might be between two specific partners. 

Some non-hierarchical practitioners have a nesting partner, or a person they cohabitate with while making life decisions together, but who is not more important than other partners. In recent years, relationship anarchy (RA) has become a popular subset of non-hierarchical poly that rejects the ranking of relationships in one’s life according to factors such as sex or romantic love. RA practitioners believe that the only rules that should govern their relationships are the ones they agree to with their given partners. In other words, societal norms have no say in how their relationships can be structured.

What Is Solo Poly?

Solo polyamory is where an individual creates meaningful and lasting relationships with multiple people, but chooses to maintain an otherwise “single” life, living apart from partners and maintaining their own finances. 

Becoming increasingly popular in recent years, many solo poly individuals prefer to use the term anchor partner for the individual (or individuals) in their life with whom they have a deep emotional connection, often with plans for the relationship to be long-lasting. 

Solo poly people can be comfortable dating someone who has a primary partner, or might prefer to avoid hierarchical poly relationships entirely and focus on dating only other solo poly people. 

How many partners can you have in polyamory?

In polyamory, the number of partners you have is entirely up to you. 

For those who take on more than one partner, those numbers determine the type of relationship that’s sustainable for every partner. 

Most commonly, these polyamorous arrangements fall into Triad, Quad, and Vee. 

In a Triad relationship (also called a Thrupple or Delta), all three partners have a bond and a relationship with one another. 

Triads may include two partners who live together while the third maintains their own domicile.

In rare cases, the three may cohabitate and nest together, sharing household responsibilities and expenses. This third partner is commonly called a unicorn, and is often willing to join an existing relationship with both partners.

If the third partner brings in a partner of their own and they begin dating one or both of the other partners, this is known as a Quad.

Quads can practice kitchen table poly and may evolve into a closed poly group. 

A Vee is when two people share the same partner, the latter being the common point between them, but have no relationship between them beyond acquaintanceship or friendship as metamours. 

Vees may cohabitate together or the common partner may evenly split their time between the two metamours. 

What is a metamour in polyamory?

The partner of one’s partner is referred to as their metamour (a portmanteau of meta, meaning “after”, and mour, meaning “love” - the love after your love). 

Some metamours are civil with one another and may even be friends or acquaintances, as described above in kitchen table polyamory, while others may not be close. Some prefer limited contact with one another as each develops their relationship with the common partner separately, which is known as parallel polyamory. 

In either case, the goal of each metamour should be to respect each other while understanding the balance and effort their shared partner goes through in maintaining each relationship.

Open and Closed Relationships in Polyamory

In open polyamory, each partner is free to seek and date other partners with little to no restrictions. Conversely, in closed polyamory (also called polyfidelity), no new partners are pursued or dated and the addition of anyone new into the polycule would require extensive discussion and agreement from everyone involved.

This is often done to prevent partners from spreading their time and energy too thinly so they can commit to their existing partners.  It may also be done to limit exposure to STIs for all partners. 

Despite popular belief, polyamorous couples can be in open relationships just as much as anyone else. 

A comet in poly terms is a person who passes through a partner’s life repeatedly for short periods of deep and intense connection, followed by longer periods of a distanced close friendship. Oftentimes, these relationships are long-distance, but as with any ethical approaches to non-monogamy, all partners are aware of such arrangements.

Jealousy & Compersion in Polyamory

Jealousy, sometimes called wibble, is the feeling of insecurity in seeing a partner affectionate with another person.

These feelings may be temporary or they may be a symptom of deeper insecurities. 

In either case, clear and honest communication with one’s partner is important. Sometimes simply talking it out can alleviate the feelings and allow the conflicted partner to accept and move forward. 

It is important to note that the unconflicted partner is not responsible for the feelings of insecurities the conflicted partner may have, and the latter shouldn’t weaponize those insecurities to derail their partner’s other relationships. In extreme cases, a civil discussion between all partners to discuss and resolve issues in therapy with a licensed professional who works with individuals in poly and ENM may be needed.

The inverse of jealousy is compersion, or frubble, - the feeling of joy in seeing a partner with another partner. 

Compersion is a genuine feeling rooted in empathy and confidence, knowing that your partner is not trying to replace you with someone “better” and is simply finding love and happiness outside of the relationship you share with them. 

The relationships you and your partner have outside of one another are your/their own, and having them doesn’t take away what you have together.  Expressing delight for them when they share a first date gone well or the achievements of their other partner are fundamental aspects of compersion. 

For those who struggle with jealousy or are unable to have compersion for their partner, a common approach is to bring their feelings to a neutral middle. They don’t feel joy for their partner’s relationships but they also do not feel negatively about them either. They may be able to grow into compersion for their partner and their relationships over time; if not, the important takeaway is they do not feel negatively about them nor do they attempt to subvert them in any way.

Considerations Before Exploring Polyamory

How you identify in poly should be considered before meeting others. You don’t have to have an entire roadmap for the relationships you hope to find, but you should make clear your expectations, boundaries, constraints, and if you are flexible with any of them. You may evolve and refine your identity as you develop relationships.

The keys to successfully navigating through polyamory are constant communication and transparency.