Finding Poly Play Partners
A large number of people who are into kink and BDSM are also polyamorous or engage in some form of ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy).
As ENM is somewhat on the outer edges of mainstream society already, it’s no surprise that it has a place within kink. Through consensually open relationships, kinksters can explore their individual kinks and needs outside of a single partner who may not have an interest, or is otherwise unable to meet those needs.
This is particularly true with BDSM, as individuals may discover their partner doesn’t care for power exchange kinks. Ideally in such situations, a non-kinky partner offers their support for the other in seeking out and meeting such needs, but this may not always be the case.
Are all polyamorous people kinky?
In short, no. It is important to make the distinction between kink and polyamory, as well as other forms of ENM. Understand that while there may be some overlap between the two (picture a Venn diagram), there should be no assumptions that all poly people are kinky and vice versa.
Some polyamorous people are quite ‘vanilla’ in their approach to additional relationships.
As with any kinkster, it’s important to respect existing relationships when reaching out to a polyamorous one. Don’t presume anything, especially that the kinkster is solely driven by their fetishes.
Polyamory emphasizes loving, committed relationships with more than one person.
The focus of polyamory is not to engage in kink, sexual or otherwise.
Many polyamorous people are demisexual (attraction based on emotional connections) and/or sapiosexual (attraction based on intelligence), and may require a tangible bond with another person before they even consider moving forward physically. Discuss your interests outside of kink and BDSM and be prepared to set aside those discussions.
Most kinksters, regardless of their relationship type or status, have a life outside of this private world and are hoping to connect with someone who doesn’t see them as a kink dispenser.
Poly-Specific Questions to Ask Kinky Play Partners
Obviously, timing is of the utmost importance when asking the questions below. Avoid launching into an interview on their relationship(s) and sexual activity the minute you meet them; instead, try to broach the questions as you interact and get to know one another.
Some questions to ask a kinky polyamorous partner might include the following:
How many other partners do you have?
What’s your approach to polyamory?
Are your partners open to you seeing other people? Do you have any rules with existing relationships?
How much time and energy can you expect to give to another relationship?
Is there a history of unresolved jealousy with any of your partners?
Would I meet your partners at some point?
Are you fluid-bonded with any of your partners?
Do you (or your partners) wear condoms (if applicable)?
How often do you have an STD/STI screening? Are you prepared to be share your latest result with me?
You have a right to informed consent with anyone you potentially play with, but be prepared to provide your own response to each of these questions in return, as well.
If you have any reservations moving forward with someone based on their responses, do not feel obligated or pressured to pursue anything with them, and be mindful that they may not wish to pursue further with you either.
Remember that neither of you are under obligation to the other during this ‘getting to know you’ phase, and you should both be willing to commit further before you take the next steps.
Finally, be mindful that there are no set rules for polyamory: every person/couple is different with various expectations, boundaries, and the amount of time and energy they can devote to their relationships.
