Dealing with Kink Shaming
What Is Kink Shaming?
Kink shaming is the act of shaming someone else because of a kink or fetish that they enjoy.
Often, kink shaming takes the form of comments based on false assumptions about a specific type of play (e.g., “all Doms are abusive”) or placing a moral judgement on someone else’s kinks (e.g., “wrong” or “bad”).
Whether you’re brand new to kink and BDSM or have been in the kink/BDSM lifestyle for years, you’ve likely been kink shamed before or will be on your journey.
What are examples of kink shaming?
Kink shaming can take on any number of forms, but some common behaviours include:
A value judgement placed on the kink or fetish itself, or on you for being into it.
Example: I can’t believe you’re into something so weird. What’s wrong with you?
Bringing up misinformation related to a kink or fetish that you’re into, and asking you to justify yourself.
Example: You have a pain kink?? How can you possibly be a masochist?
Accusing you of perpetuating a social injustice (racism, sexism, etc.) for participating in a kink privately with other consenting adults.
Example: If you’re a female submissive to a man, you’re not a feminist.
Refusal to listen to or attempt to understand differing opinions regarding a given kink or fetish.
Example: I don’t care what anyone says, BDSM is a mental illness and you need help. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind.
Why is kink shaming bad?
By definition, a kink is something outside of the social norm. As a result, the vast majority of kinksters have experienced some form of kink shaming during their lives. This shame could come from a loved one, or it could come from within the person themselves. Shame dictates how people behave in society, and much of what we’re raised to believe is based on set descriptors of what ‘normal’ is and is not. Because of this, when we find ourselves attracted to things that are not normal, we feel shame.
Kink and BDSM communities are meant to be places where everyone can feel welcome, regardless of what they’re into. A very common motto in the kink world is “Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay,” or YKINMK and YKINMKATO. This kink acronym signifies that you respect the right of every human being to act on their kinks or fetishes alone or with other consenting adults.
Kink and BDSM acceptance does not mean that unethical behavior is tolerated in the subculture.
For example, if someone doesn’t use a safeword or believes that negotiations are not necessary, you would not be kink shaming them if you refused to play. Likewise, not all disagreements are kink shaming. If you have a conversation with someone who tells you that your kink is not something that they’re into, that is not necessarily kink shaming.
What should I do if I’m kink shamed?
No one likes to be shamed for anything, especially not something as deeply personal and complex as a kink or a fetish. Here are some tips for what to do if you’re kink shamed:
Speak up about kink shaming because it’s not OK
If you’re being kink shamed, speak up. Doing so not only creates a boundary for what you’re willing to discuss, but it will also hopefully stop the conversation from continuing in a hurtful direction.
Talk about the kink shaming experience with someone you trust
If you’ve been kink shamed, it helps to talk with someone who has experienced the same thing. Talking with a fellow kinkster you know and trust can help you to process the experience and move on.
Practice self care and remind yourself that being kinky isn’t a bad thing
While processing and understanding your feelings of shame are important, it’s equally important to take care of yourself. Engage in an activity that feels both calming and reassuring to you.
If you want to, attempt to educate others in a kink-positive way
Only if you feel that it would prove useful should you attempt to try and educate the individual who shamed you. Examples might include directing them to educational resources or asking them to listen to how their statements affected you and why. You should only engage in this if you’re willing to accept and respect that they may refuse to listen or to change.
While shame is a commonality for every kinkster, it’s not something that you have to deal with on your own. Odds are that almost every member of the online kink and BDSM community has experienced something similar, and even those in the real-world communities.
For additional reading, we recommend our article, Overcoming the Shame of Being Kinky. You can also read the results of our Kink Shaming Survey in Kynk in Depth.
