Frenzy in BDSM & Kink

Frenzy is a dangerous headspace where a kink beginner excitedly seeks out experiences and partners, without attention to their own personal safety. 

Frenzy is very similar to New Relationship Energy (NRE), only that the “new relationship” is actually with the kink community as a whole. 

When someone takes that first step into the kink subculture, they quickly come to realize that the things they’re into aren’t that uncommon. Suddenly, their world is blown wide open by the endless opportunities to explore and discuss with other like-minded individuals. The effect this has on the psyche cannot be understated.

Frenzy happens to the best of kinksters. In fact, it’s happened to practically every kinkster, including those on the Kynk 101 team.

While it’s likely inevitable that you’ll fall into this state of mind in the early stages of your kinky exploration, we’ve done our best to compile some things to help you navigate it.

Why is frenzy so dangerous?

When a newcomer to kink and BDSM is in a state of frenzy, they gloss over the most important aspects of kink: safety and informed consent. New kinksters are so enamoured, so infatuated, by the manifestation of their kink fantasies that they want to do everything, regardless of inherent risk or consequence.

If you have ever had a crush on someone, it seems as though the object of your affection can do no wrong. Your friends may try to explain the person’s shortcomings, but all you see is a perfect human being. The same concept applies when you’re in a state of frenzy.

If you’ve looked around our site, you may have noticed how much we emphasize consent and safety. The reason for this is because the vast majority of kinky activities are not safe. 

It’s easy to gloss over these BDSM and kink activities with the term “play”, but the fact remains that what we do as kinksters often involves violence. 

Someone is being hit, at times quite hard, by another person. 

Someone is being tied up to the point that they are immobilized and at the mercy of another person’s intentions. 

Someone is being chased, held down, and forced into sexual intercourse. 

All of these events are consensual, yes. But they also require an incredible amount of trust between partners.

Who is susceptible to frenzy?

It’s a common misconception that frenzy only happens to submissives (hence the term “subfrenzy”). 

The truth is, anyone can get frenzy. 

While phrases such as “Domfrenzy” or “Topfrenzy” are less common, kinksters on the left side of the slash should also take heed, as a miscalculation or desire to rush into play can not only result in potential harm to a partner, but also increase the possibility of legal repercussions, should that person choose to press charges.

What can I do to avoid frenzy?

If we’re honest, there’s really not much you can do to avoid the feelings of excitement you’ll have when you begin to explore kink and BDSM in earnest. However, here are a couple of tips to help you navigate feelings of frenzy.

Develop a friendship with someone else who has been in the lifestyle for longer than you

Use kinky friends as a sounding board for any thoughts or considerations you have. Talk with them about what you’re into and discuss the potential safety considerations, as well as running a safety plan by them if you want to meet someone for the purposes of play. 

Try to play in a public play space with a person prior to private play

This can help you to vet potential partners. If they refuse to play in a public area, like a dungeon or dedicated kink event, that should be a warning to you that they might not be safe. If public play isn’t your cup of tea, have a safety plan in place for going to visit that person. Meet them face to face prior to playing. Meet them at a public place and have a meal or a drink, then go home. Take some time to think about how you felt during that interaction, and meet the person as many times as needed in order to feel safe being alone with them.

Know your limits and communicate them

Every kinkster has limits.

Anyone who says they have no limits is not safe to play with.

If you’re unsure how to determine what your hard or soft limits are, take a look at our article about how to define your limits. 

Have a safety plan before you meet someone

If you truly can’t resist the thought of doing kinky things with someone else as soon as possible, obtain that person’s full name and phone number. Give it to a like-minded friend who knows where you are going. Schedule a safety check-in text or call with this person so that they know you’re safe.

Whilst having like-minded friends who aren’t afraid to call out unsafe actions or behaviours is a great step in the right direction, the fact remains that there are predators in the kink community who take advantage of beginner inexperience and frenzy. 

Remember that you can only go so far in protecting yourself; ultimately you have to place trust in your play partner.

Trust takes time, which is something that frenzy has no patience for. 

We are all going to make mistakes. It’s how we learn and evolve. As such, perhaps the most important thing to remember as you begin your journey is to be kind with yourself.